Weak
by hpotter1993
Summary: Santana struggles with her feeling for Brittany. She feels like she has no one to talk to. M in later chapters due to self harm, smut will be in chapter 7. BRITTANA. Quinn/Santana friendship
1. Chapter 1

**Hi, I do not own anything **

**summery:**

_**i hope you enjoy this one ...**  
_

_17th october _

_Okay, so I thought I should start keeping a diary. Things have been getting kind of messed up in my head lately and I never really talk to any one about it. It's not that I don't trust them or I'm scared of what they might do, I just don't want too, it's none of their business, it makes things awkward. When am I suppose to bring it up, over breakfast, "Hey mum can you pass me the cereal, oh by the way, I think I might be gay and I think I might be in love with my best friend. Pass the milk." I mean, it's just awkward, and I just don't want to do it. _

_I suppose I should start at the beginning. I've know Brittany (said best friend) for nearly 12 years, she walked up to me and my former other best friend, Quinn, when we had just started school. Obviously this isn't going to be a cliche 'I fell in love with her the moment I saw her.' To be honest I found her quite strange to start with, but I was a bitch back then, well, I still am a bitch, but it literally only took me like a few weeks, days even, to warm to her. _

_But more to the point, it was probably about 5 months ago that I realized that I liked her, differently, thats the only way I can describe it. I wasn't entirely sure what I was actually feeling, just that it wasn't normal or right to feel that way about a friend. I suppose it didn't help that we kind of had sweet lady kisses, and more, that only started because I was bored and it was before Puckerman, so I wasn't getting any._

_Sometimes, I would just accept it, I'm gay and I'm in love with Brittany, but most days, I just can't, it would really get me down, the confusion and trying to work things was just too much. A few nights ago I actually cried myself to sleep, I've never done that before, I never ever thought I would, but I couldn't help it, all the confusion just caught up with me. It was that night I nearly sent Quinn a long, long text, telling her everything, but some how I managed to talk myself out of it. Since Quinn's mental break down after the baby thing we haven't really talked. _

_So I'm doing this, essentially, I'm just talking to myself like a crazy person. I hope this helps, because it's driving me insane. _

Santana put he diary down, though on the outside it just looked like a regular school book. She got off her bed, bent next to her set of draws and hid it behind them, feeling, that out of anywhere in her room, it was probably the safest. No one would look there. It was time for sleep, but she didn't sleep much nowadays.

She woke up at around 3:00am, having only been asleep for just over an hour. This always happened, she'd wake at stupid o'clock and have nothing to do, so she would think about everything which would make her cry, which would make her think, which would make her cry and she would be sent in cycle until her alarm went off at 8:00am.

She got dressed and went downstairs for breakfast, where her mum and dad were eating. Her parents had noticed the change in their daughter over the last few months, she never shows much emotion and she just seems exhausted all the time. But her and her parents never had that close relationship where they told each other everything, so they let it pass, thinking she would figure things out on her own.

So she went to school as normal, bitched as normal, made people miserable as normal, and she didn't mind, well, of course she didn't, she was making _others_ miserable, but it was what helped her get though the day, seeing others weaker than her. Nothing was different, this is what happened everyday, every week, every month, and she was sick of it. She's been hiding herself for nearly a year and she hates it.

_18th october _

_Don't really know what to say today, nothings changed. But everyday I keep hiding the worse it gets. I mean, how do I explain this, I still have days were none of this bothers me, but the days when it does get to me, they just get worse, and I don't know how to sort it. And today was one of those bad days, Brittany was with Artie all day, sitting on his lap in the canteen, kissing him all day, I wanted to punch him or scream at her, but all I could do was cry, I went to the toilets and just cried. **Then **I got angry, I ended up punching the wall of the cubicle, it actually helped and the pain took my mind of things for a bit. _

_Anyway, got to get back to being miserable and doing nothing because Brittany spends all her time with Artie and Quinn's off being a mental case. _

The next day Santana woke up at 3am, again, got dressed went down stairs had breakfast in silence because her parents were already at work. However, being on her own made her think, so she spent her journey to McKinley crying, but she couldn't stop once she was there so she sat in the car for another 10 minuets until there were no tears left.

She walked into to Spanish class for first period and Brittany was next to Artie, again, so she went and sat at the back on her own, got her book out of her bag and opened at the next page, even though she knew she wouldn't be writing anything in it, but Mr. Shue wouldn't pester her now.

She had her head in her hands, so she didn't notice when someone sat in the chair next to her until someone tapped her shoulder. She looked up and saw Quinn sitting next to her.

"Hi." She whispered, Santana was confused until she looked to the front and saw that class had started. "Hi," she said, putting on a smile and sitting up right again, and bringing back her confident outer shell. "You okay?" Santana, wasn't expecting her previous state to go unnoticed, but she had an excuse already prepared, "yeah," she smiled, "just got a bit of a hangover, spent last getting my groves on." She laughed her usual fake laugh that worked every time. "How are you?" she asked, genuinely wanting to know if she was okay. They may not have talked much since Quinn went nuts, but they had been best friends since they were 5, so it's hard to just stop caring. "Good, thanks. I've given up on getting beth back. She's better off with Shelby."

"God, well I didn't expect you to back down so quickly. Who managed to persuade you to change your mind?" Santana asked, glad of the distraction.

"Sam, he ... said some stuff, made me think." Santana smiled a genuine smile, glad that Quinn was finally chilling out, that she was finally getting her Quinn back. "Well, I'm just glad Quinn's back."

"Me too. Sorry I've not been around lately. I think I just had to get that one mental breakdown out of my system." She said with a laugh, Santana couldn't help but laugh with her. It was the first time she had actually laughed in ages.

"I was thinking, we should hang out, you, me and Britt, we haven't hung out in ages." Santana tried to not let her face drop, but Quinn noticed it slightly, ever so slightly that she wasn't sure it had even happened. "She'll be with Stubbles McCripple pants this weekend, but why don't we do something. Actually, my parents are away on some hospital conference thing this weekend, you could stay over." Santana realized it she may have been being a bit eager but she really wanted her friend back, someone to talk to. She thought if her and Quinn got back to normal she might be able to talk to her about stuff, that she might be able to help her. "Yeah," Quinn was actually really pleased that Santana wanted to get back to normal so quickly, she had missed them. "Sounds great."

"Quinn! Santana! listen please." Mr. Shue shouted from the front.

"Sorry, Mr. Shue." Quinn turned back to the front and started coping down notes from the board.

**hope you liked it, please leave reviews... you won't have to wait long for the next chapter, it's already been written, will update it tomorrow xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**More happens in this Chapter with Brittany and Santana ... **

**I Updated straight away i didn't want to wait **

**I own glee ... jk i don't really **

Santana felt a lot happier today, now that she had Quinn back, so she walked into the choir room with a genuine smile on her face. That was, until she saw Brittany sat on one of the chairs, her legs draped over Artie's. Her smile faltered slightly, but she moved further into the choir confidently and sat in her usual spot at the back. Quinn moved and sat next to her, "So, this weekend, what we doing?" Quinn asked.

"Well, I was thinking, you know, what we used to do. Movie marathon, junk food, the usual." She laughed.

"Sounds good, I missed this by the way."

"Oh god, don't get all emotional on me Frabray, I had enough of that when you were pregnant." She laughed but was cut off when puck walked into the room.

"Guys! Party! My place! Saturday! You're all coming."

"What are you talking about?" Blaine asked from his seat at the front, hanging on to Kurt for dear life. "My parents are away for the weekend. They haven't done that since I was 14 and I nearly blew up the garage."

"Oh yeah, I remember that, that was pretty funny." Finn spoke up from the front, Rachel sticking to him like a leech.

"Anyway. You all have to come, no excuses."

Quinn turned to Santana, smile on her face and Santana knew what was coming. "We might as well. We can still hang out there. Come on San, kinda sounds fun." Santana turned her head, suddenly finding her hands very interesting. Then, in front of her, "Puck, me and Artie will be there." Normally that voice would make Santana do anything, make her happy and make her think nothing else mattered but this time she was just, disappointed, and sad and she just wanted to cry.

"Awesome." Puck hi-fived Brittany, "Quinn, Santana? No excuses."

"Yeah, course we-"

"I can't." Quinn turned to, her face full of surprise, Santana never said no to a party. But Santana didn't let her confidence falter, "I've got stuff to do, we're not all losers waiting for the next spectacular Glee club update, some of us actually have lives, well, I say some of us. Me and Finn, but Finns life consists of helping Rachel find Mordor and trying to shift some of that whale fat," she turned to Finn, "I don't think the diets working."

"Aww, come on Santana, it'll be fun, and my cousin mickey is selling me loads of booze for like half price."

"Puck i've met your cousin mickey, he looks like a jewish Ryan Gosling, so trust I would be all over that if it wasn't for the fact he as all the STI's and has been in prison for stealing said booze off the back of trucks 5 times, which is probably where he got said STI's."

"Stolen!" Rachel piped up.

"It's not stolen! Come on Santana, It's all completely legit."

"I'm busy!" No one seemed shocked by Santana's outburst, they were use to her rudeness by now.

"fine. Quinn, you still coming?" Puck asked with pleading eyes. Quinn turned to Santana like she was asking for permission, which pissed Santana off because she wanted Quinn to say no without having to ask. "Go."

"No, loo-" Quinn tried to argue but Santana cut her off.

"Just go, you never know you might be lucky and get pregnant again. Then you won't need to try and steal Beth back." She knew it was low, but she had just got Quinn back and she was being ditched to hang out with glee club. "Santana!" She hadn't noticed Mr. Shue walk through the door, "Thats enough! I'm sick off you bringing everybody down! We have enough people bullying us out there, We don't need it in here, from one of our own."

"Oh come on, I'm honest and you love me for it. They don't care." Everyone in the room turned away from her, keeping quiet, except one. Brittany kept her eyes on her, which really didn't help matters. Only Brittany knew Santana for her, apart from the confused, maybe gay, part of her. But she knew she wasn't really horrible and mean, and that had always made her feel vulnerable. Santana turned her attention back to the rest of them. "This is ridiculous, I only sa-"

"Stop! Bullying separates you from the rest of the group and if you're not part of this group, maybe you shouldn't be here."

"Mr, Shue! Thats s-" Quinn went to defend Santana but before she had time to finish Santana stood up and walked towards the front of the class.

"Fine, I'll leave. But just so you know, there is no chance of you winning without me." She turned to look to Mr. Shue one last time and he just sighed at her last comment, like she had just confirmed his point, and then she left.

It wasn't until she got the nearest girls bathroom before she allowed herself to cry. And once again she punch the cubicle wall, but this time she did it over and over and over again until the skin split.

_20th october _

_Got chucked out of Glee Club, yaaaay. I can't believe Mr. Shue actually grew a pair and chucked me out. To be honest, i'm devastated, I may have been horrible to them constantly but they were the best part of that stupid school. I actually cried, and i punched the cubicle wall again, quite alot, I've really bruised my hand, but i told my mom i trapped it in a door, she fell for it. but the pain really helps take my mind of things, so i've decided that if I start getting upset, i'm going to hit that bruise against something, so i stop getting upset, I realize it probably sounds really mental but i think it will help. _

_And then this party tonight, that goddam party, with those losers. Like i would go._

_But I suppose there was one good thing today, I got my Quinn back, i'm just hoping i manage to get some balls and tell her about all this, coz i really need to talk to someone. _

"Santana!" she heard her mum call from downstairs, "Brittany's here, i'll send her up." Santana went into a panic and jumped of her bed and hurriedly put her book back behind her draws just as Brittany walked through her door. She stood up straight and faced her. It was the first time she'd seen her without Artie in weeks and it was the first time she hadn't been mad at her. She wanted to run up to her and her hug her as tightly as she could and not let go, she wanted to kiss her again, even if it meant nothing Brittany, it meant everything to her. But she didn't, she held back, stood firmly in that spot and didn't move, couldn't move. "Hey." Brittany said softly.

"Hi." she took her gaze of Brittany and moved to her desk, cleaning up papers, making herself look busy, "Did you need something?" Santana still didn't take her eyes of the desk.

"Well, I just ... wanted to see if you were okay." She could hear how nervous Brittany was, so she decided it was best to act normal, like none of this was happening. "Course I am Britt." She turned back to her, "Why wouldn't I be?" Britt's face relaxed slightly, but she was still concerned. "Well, getting chucked out of Glee club." Santana walked over and sat on her bed, crossed legged, facing Britt who was standing on the opposite side. "I don't care, you know me Britt." Brittany sat opposite her, also crossed legged, so their knees were touching. "Thats the point San, I don't know you anymore, You've hardly talked to me in weeks." Santana looked down to her hands in her lap, fighting back tears, "San, please talk to me, I miss you." Brittany took Santana's hands in hers, and Santana looked up into her eyes, Brittany just smiled, "Besides, I miss our sweet lady kisses." she laughed and Santana couldn't help but join, Britt's laugh was infectious, it always had been, and whenever Santana heard she couldn't help but feel the slightest bit happier. "I missed them too, Britt." Britt smiled for a few seconds longer, but her face was soon serious again. "So what have I done wrong?" Santana took her hands back from Brittany and avoided her gaze. "Nothing, Britt."

"Don't lie to me, Santana." Santana looked back at her, surprised by her sudden anger. "Please."

**tell me what you think xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**so heres Chapter 3 ...**

'Just do it, just tell her' Santana thought to herself, pleading with her self to find the courage from somewhere, anywhere. But she just can't find it, so she does the only thing she can think of. Santana leant in closer to Brittany, resting her forehead against hers. She let out a long sigh, keeping her eyes closed, then she asked the question she had be dying to know the answer to, "Do you love him? Artie?" She still didn't open her eyes but she felt Brittany pull away from her. "Don't change the subject." Santana looked up at her, "That doesn't have anything to do with why _you _won't talk to me." Santana couldn't help but get annoyed, she always hated it when others would say Brittany was thick or stupid, because she wasn't, but sometimes she could just be a little slow, and this was the one time Santana didn't need that. She didn't want to have explain, she wanted Brittany to understand without her saying anything. "Just answer the question, Britt." Brittany looked confused but reluctantly answered the question, "I think I do, but Lord Tubbingtons says I can't know for sure yet because I'm too young. I don't understand what thats got to do with anything though." Santana couldn't help but smile at Brittany for referring to Lord Tubbs like he's the voice of reason. "Nothing Britt, I just wanted to know, to know whats going on with you, like you said, we haven't talked in weeks and I need to catch up. I'm glad things are working out well for you and Artie." She lied but Brittany's face lit up and she didn't regret it for a second, seeing Brittany happy was Santana's favorite thing in the world.

"Can I have a sweet lady kiss now?" Brittany asked with a cheeky smile.

"What about Artie?" Santana asked, but she was already leaning forward, not caring what the answer would be. "Plumbing." Brittany said just as their lips met. As soon as they touched Santana knew it was a bad idea, because this meant nothing to Brittany but everything to her, and she knew that now it had started she would never want to stop. She also knew that this would definitely not help her figure things, in fact it only made it harder. Then she felt Brittany running her tongue along her bottom lip, and before she knew it she had allowed to slip her tongue in her mouth.

It started of slow and passionate, but then it got desperate as Santana realized she wouldn't be able to do this for much longer, that soon Artie would make Brittany stop and take Brittany away from her. So she want to latch onto it, make sure she never forgot it and Brittany never forgot it. Santana laid down on the bed, pulling Brittany on top, clinging to material of her tank top. Brittany placed her hands either side of Santana's head and broke the kiss. Santana opened her eyes, disappointed by the loss of contact, but then she saw Brittany, with a huge smile on her face, "I missed you." Santana felt a tear down the side of her face and wished, more than anything, that could find the courage to say it, but she couldn't and within seconds Brittany was back attacking her mouth. Santana squeezed her eyes tight shut, trying not to let her self think about anything else so she could have this moment. Then she felt something vibrate against her thigh, her eyes snapped open and she sat up. "Sorry San." Brittany stood up, reached in her pocket and pulled out her phone, "Sorry, it's Artie, I better get this." Santana stayed sat on the bed but didn't look at Brittany after she mentioned Artie's name. "Hey, babe...I'm at Santana's...yeah we worked things out...Oh! I'm sorry Artie I forgot...no, no, no, I'll be there asap...okay bye." Brittany placed her phone back in her pocket and turned back to Santana, who still wasn't looking at her. "Sorry San, i really have to go, Me and Artie are going to bread stix, I completely forgot." Brittany sat down next to Santana, but Santana immediately stood up, keeping her back to Britt. "Fine, you know where the door is." Santana still didn't turn to Brittany but she heard movement on the bed and knew she was walking towards her. "Don't be like this, San. We just got things sorted." Santana, snapped round and Brittany could see the anger in her eyes and she actually backed away a little. "Exactly, we _just _got things sorted and you want to run off and be with Stubbles-"

"Don't call him that Santana, he doesn't like it." Santana laughed.

"Do really think I give a fuck about weather he likes it or not, thats kind of the whole point. Jesus Brittany, I know you can be a little slow sometimes but I thought at least you would understand."

"I do understand that you do it to hurt him but I just don't want you to do it anymore." Brittany's voice was slightly raised.

"Thats not what I was talking about!" Santana blurted out before she stop herself, "Just go Brittany, got back to four-eyes and do whatever the fuck you want, I don't care anymore." She turned her back to Brittany again so she couldn't see her tears.

"If thats not what you were talking about then-"

"Just go, Britt." She curled her arms around her, to comfort herself.

"San-" But before Brittany could finish Santana walked into her ensuite bathroom and shut the door behind her. She leant her back against the door and sank down to the floor, now that she couldn't be seen by anyone she could finally cry as much as she needed to.

It must of been at least half an hour before she calmed down and stopped crying. Then her phone buzzed in her pocket. She took it out and saw it was Quinn.

"Hel-"

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Quinn sounded genuinely angry and it slightly scared Santana. "What are talking about?" She knew she had to concentrate now, so she wiped the stray tears from her cheeks and stood up.

"I've just had Brittany on the phone, crying her eyes out because you had a go at her. Jesus Santana, it was one thing to have a dig at me in the choir room, but Brittany."

"Who are you to judge me? You haven't been around for us these last couple of months. You can't just suddenly come back and start shouting at me for something you know nothing about! And another thing, did you and Brittany use to do this, make phone calls and talk about me behind my back, or is this a new thing that psycho Quinn has thought off."

"We're not talking about you behind you're back, Brittany was upset so she called me."

"Why? Why would she call you? Like I said before you haven't been here for us these last few months, why didn't she call cripples, he's her boyfriend, he's the one she thinks she's in love with. Which she obviously not because she has no idea what love is." Santana sat on the edge of the bathtub, overcome with emotion that always followed the word love.

"Oh and you would, would you? Santana Lopez, whose slept with so many people she might as well get paid for it. You cared about those boys, did you? loved them?," Quinn paused, knowing Santana couldn't answer, "You prove my point. So why the hell would you have a go at Brittany? She's done nothing wrong!" Quinn once again waited for answer, but got nothing. Santana couldn't answer, the tears had come back and she found it impossible to speak, if she did Quinn would hear it in her voice. "See you don't have reason. Sooner or later that girls going to give up on you and then you'll have no one, because what Mr. Shue said was right, glee club don't like it when you bully them, so they're not going to stick around. If you don't sort yourself out you will be so alone. And I've put up with your shit for years and theres only so much I can take." She again waited for Santana to say something, anything, then she heard, very faintly, a sob, and she felt terrible but she was just being honest, like Santana is. "Well ... yeah. I'm going to Pucks thing tonight, you can still come if you want."

"You really think I'm going to come to a party with you after that lecture!" Santana hung up and through her phone at the floor. She was so angry, so started throwing anything she could find, around the bathroom. She wasn't going to be alone. She was Santana Lopez, every one wanted a piece of that. And of course she knows what love is. It's pain and hurt and crying and the worst thing to happen to her. She punched her mirror and it smashed into several pieces. Her hand started to bleed and the pain she was in calmed her down. It hurt so much that she stopped being angry and just focused on trying to stop the bleeding. she wrapped it up in a towel, so that was sorted. And then she just felt her anger come back again and she realized that physical pain was the only way to stop her emotional pain. She brought her hand to her mouth, and shook her head. She wasn't seriously thinking of self-harming, was she? She took her hand away from her mouth, bent down and picked up one of the larger pieces of class that was on the floor, She pulled up her top and dragged the sharp edge of it against her hips. She squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her teeth so she wouldn't make any noise. She looked down and saw the cut she'd made, she had drawn blood and it was dripping down her side. But she was right, it had made her feel better.

**please let me know what you think xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**bit of longer chapter this time, they will always be this long now ... **

**thank to those of you who have added this to their alert **

**so heres chapter 4 ... enjoy**

Santana decided she wasn't going to stay in all night like a loser and she wasn't going to cry all night like she did most days. She was going to go out and get drunk and forget all this shit that was happening. So she used the towel wrapped around her hand to soak up some of the blood on her hip, but it hadn't stop bleeding yet, then threw the blood soaked towel in the wash basket, went into her bedroom and prepared for tonight, wearing a dress so short that she was certain she wouldn't need to pay for a drink the whole night.

She walked into the bar and saw alot of heads turn, she smiled to herself, she knew she wouldn't be buying any drinks. She made her way to the bar and sat on a stool. "One vodka and coke."

"I'll get this." said a guy sitting a few stools down from her. She couldn't help but smile to herself again, then she turned to the man who offered to buy her the drink. He was very attractive, obviously, with a perfect jaw and brown hair. Of course, it didn't turn Santana on, he wasn't her type but she wasn't going to say no. "So, you come here often?" he asked. Santana just raised one eyebrow and laughed, "Seriously? thats your line to pick up girls. You come here often, my god. Does that ever actually work?"

"Well," he moved to sit on the stool next to her, "You're talking to me aren't you." She had to give it to him, he had a point. "So, whats your name?" he asked with a grin on his face knowing he was right. "Santana."

"Hi Santana," he offered his hand and she took it, "I'm Josh."

They talked and drank at the bar all night, Santana had to admit she was having fun, but the more she drank the more she wanted to cry and just be a general emotional wreck, but she held it together. Until, "Do you want to come back to my place?" _Oh god, he wants me to sleep with him. I don't want to sleep with him, I'm gay. Well he doesn't know that you idiot. What about Brittany? Oh, who cares about her? She doesn't care about you. But I really can't do this. I DON'T LIKE GUYS! Snap out of it. You've dated guys before this is nothing new. And Brittany's probably at that party, sucking face with Artie, probably more. _Thinking like this just got Santana angry again and made her just want to prove to herself more than anymore, that she didn't need Brittany. "Sure, Why not?"

They stumbled through the front door still connected by their lips, Santana had her arms wrapped around his neck, while he pushed the door closed behind him. The flat didn't feel very big to Santana, obviously she couldn't be sure because she had eyes shut and was still attached to Josh's mouth, but as they made their way through it she kept banging in to things. Eventually she felt the back of her knees hit a bed and was pushed back onto it. Josh pushed her up the bed until her head was on the pillows, still not breaking the kiss. He moved his lips down to her neck and collarbone and kept moving down. Then he was kissing the tops of her thighs pushing her dress up and pulling her panties down her legs and over her ankles. Santana knew what he was about to do and the thought made her wish she was at home, because the last person to do this to her was Brittany. She wanted to stop him from putting his mouth where Brittany had as soon as possible so grabbed his shoulders and pulled him up towards her mouth again. She started kissing him frantically, "Just fuck me." she said between kisses. He did as he was told and stood up pulling off his pants and underwear as quickly as he could and jumped back on top of her. He quickly put his cock at her entrance and thrust into her. He started kissing her neck and all Santana could do was think about a Brittany, she felt several tears fall down the side of her cheek while Josh continued to thrust into her and suck on her neck panting.

When he was done he collapsed onto the bed next to, Santana just wiped away the tears on her cheek and stood up, picking her panties of the floor. "Off so soon?" Josh sat with mischievous grin on his face. "Urrrr yeah, got to be home before ... stuff." She pulled her panties up her legs and grabbed her shows of the floor. "You're seriously going." He stood up and walked towards her. "Well, yeah ... I have to get home."

"Wow, you really are a slut. Here," he grabbed his wallet out of pants pocket, and took some money from it, "take this, even if you not officially a prostitute you sure as hell act like one. Was this your plan, to walk into a bar, get free drinks all night, sleep with a random guy." Santana's jaw dropped and everything Quinn had said on the phone came back to her. "Go on! take it!" Santana just shook her head and back away, but her pushed into the wall and grabbed her face, bringing his face right up to hers and whispered, "take it." Santana nodded and took the money from his hand and put it in her purse which she grabbed from the floor. "Now leave." She did as she was told and walked out the flat.

Once she got outside and the cool air hit her, she began to shake as she sobbed. She continued to walk down the street, shoes and purse in her hand, with no idea where she was.

Quinn had just left the party and was driving home, she knew she shouldn't be because she'd been drinking, but she was sober enough to drive, in her opinion. She was driving down the main road, about 20 minuets from home when she saw a girl, walking barefoot along the side of the road sobbing, _she's not sober enough to drive _she laughed to herself, _Hang on, I recognize that dress, thats Santana's pulling dress. Shit! thats Santana. _She pulled up to the side of the road next to Santana who continued walking. Quinn got out the car as quickly as she could, "Santana!"

Santana turned around, eyes red and puffy, tears still falling down her cheeks. When she saw Quinn her first reaction was to hug her and cry on her shoulder, then she remembered the phone call and everything else, so turned away and carried on home, well, the direction she thought home might be. "Santana, wait!" Quinn called as she ran in front of her, stopping her from walking any further, "Santana, what the hell happened? Are you okay?" Santana laughed.

"Yeah, just great" she couldn't help but be sarcastic this was all one big mess and there was no way for her to fix it. "what do you think."

"Well, no." Quinn put her hands on Santana's shoulders, "Whats going on, Santana?" Santana shook herself from Quinn's grasp.

"Thats the point, Quinn!" She couldn't help but shout she was so angry, "You _don't_ know what going on. You're too busy fucking up your daughters life to care about anyone else!"

Quinn's eyes stung with tears, if it wasn't for that fact that she could tell there was something really wrong with her friend she would of punched her and left her to it, but she couldn't do that, not with Santana in this state. "Thats not fair, Santana."

"Isn't it! Then what has been going on with me, Quinn? You obviously think you know me, so what has been going on?" Santana paused but knew Quinn wouldn't answer. "You don't know? You know what, maybe you do know me better than that," Santana pulled the money out of her purse, there must have been at least $300, "You see this. This. I just got given this for having sex with someone. So you were right, I might as well get payed for it."

"Jesus, Santana. How long has this been going on?" Santana had to laugh again.

"I'm not an actual prostitute. He just thought I was a slut so forced me to take it. You want to know what else has been going on?" Santana lifted her dress over her hip, showing the still very red and not at all heal, line of blood, "I did that to myself. So please Quinn, do continue to tell what isn't fair."

She let out a long breath, within that long breath she realized what she had done. She had just told Quinn that she self harmed. _Shit, Quinn is never going to shut up about this, _is all she could think. What is she going to do? She is going to have to explain why she did it, which she didn't want to. She was then going to have to explain her gay/Brittany crisis, which she didn't want to. And she was going to have to explain why she didn't feel like she could tell her about it earlier, which didn't want to. Santana looked to the ground, not daring to look at Quinn who she knew was staring her, jaw nearly on the floor.

"Santana." Quinn breathed. _And so it begins, _Santana thought to herself. Quinn edged a little closer to Santana, not wanting to scare her. "Why?" She didn't want this, she want people to see her weak and scared. She tried her hardest to hold back a sob, but she ended up choking on it instead, making it very obvious to Quinn. Santana continued staring at the floor as Quinn put her hands on her shoulders hesitantly, but when Santana didn't protest she pulled her towards her and tightly put her arms around, letting Santana cry into the crook of her neck. "Santana," Quinn whispered into her ear, "let me take you home." She felt Santana nod against her shoulder and guided her to the car, not letting go of her. Once Santana was sat in the passenger seat, Quinn ran round to her side and got in. Once she was in the car she looked at Santana who had now brought her knees up to her chest, head leant against the window, eyes tight shut, shaking as she allowed herself to cry. Quinn thought it best to wait until they where at Santana's and she had to calmed down to start asking questions. She had never seen Santana like this, she was never allowed to see Santana like this, occasionally she saw her cry, but she wasn't supposed to. The idea of Santana hiding all of this, keeping it to herself, torturing herself, scared Quinn and made her wish that she could be a person that Santana could talk to, could trust, made her wish she hadn't been so selfish, getting caught up with, as Santana put it, fucking up her daughters life.

Quinn led Santana into her bedroom, keeping her arm around her. She sat Santana on the edge of the bed, found the tank top and shorts she normally wore to bed under Santana's pillow, "Santana, you should probably get out of that dress. Come on." She motioned for Santana to stand up, which she did willingly. Quinn turned her around and started undoing the zip of her dress, normally this would probably make both of them uncomfortable but, Santana was just glad someone was finally taking care of her and Quinn was glad that Santana wasn't arguing and being, well, 'McKinley' Santana.

Once she had got Santana in her pajama's, Santana curled up on the bed, knees at her chest. Quinn turned the bedroom lights off and lay next to Santana. Santana turned to face Quinn, "I'm sorry." She breathed, and then she squeezed her eyes shut. Quinn pulled Santana towards her, once again letting her cry into her neck, "shhh, don't be stupid." Quinn continued to whisper comforting words into Santana's ear until she heard her breathing settle. Eventually Quinn drifted of to sleep, Santana however, didn't.

Quinn woke the next morning, at first confused, not waking up in her own room, then she remembered the previous evening and snapped round, looking for Santana, but she wasn't there. She sat up straight, searching the room, she heard faint music coming from downstairs. She was relieved, for a second she thought Santana might have ran away.

She made her way cautiously down stairs, when she reached the kitchen she could smell pancakes, Santana was sitting at the breakfast island, back facing Quinn, eating her pancakes. Quinn cleared her throat to her presence known. Santana turned to her, smile on her face, "Oh," she got off the stool and walked round to fridge, getting out a jug of pancake batter, "I started to make your pancakes, but then I thought I should wait until you woke up. I'll put them on now." Quinn just stared at her in disbelief as Santana got the frying pan, preparing to cook the pancakes. "Santana-"

"I'll cook them, you can go upstairs get washed and changed, you can borrow some of my clothes if you want."

"Santana-" Quinn was trying to get her to at least act like she remembered last night.

"Quick, or I'll eat them before you get the chance." Quinn knew she remembered but she was trying her best to keep the subject of conversation away from it.

So Quinn did as she was told and went back upstairs. She looked through Santana's wardrobe to find a t-shirt or top to wear, she would be fine in her shorts for now, until she got home. Her phone buzzed on top of the set of draws next to Santana's bed, she rushed to get it knowing it was probably her mum, knocking over some of the bottles of nail varnish in the process. "Shit." she answered the phone, "Hey mom...I'm at Santana's...yeah i'm fine, she just needed me to drop her off home and I stayed...sorry I should of called...I won't be long...okay bye...love you." she put the phone into her pocket so she wouldn't forget it, then went to pick up the bottles of nail polish of the floor. One had rolled underneath, just out of reach. "Typical." she said to herself. She pulled the draws forward and went behind it pick the bottle up. Then she saw one of Santana's school books had fallen behind the draws. She looked at the first page to see which subject the book belonged to. _17th october, Okay, so I thought I should start keeping a diary. Things have been getting kinda messed up in my head lately and I_- she stopped reading, but found the temptation to keep reading overwhelming. Maybe if she read it, she could work out how to help her friend, which was the most important thing to her at the moment, even it meant the Santana hated her for a while. So she carried on reading. _And I never really talk to any one about it. It's not that i don't trust them or I'm scared of what they might do, I just don't want too, it's none of their business, it makes things awkward. When am i suppose to bring it up, over breakfast, "Hey mum can you pass me the cereal, oh by the way, I think I might be gay and I think I might be in love with my best friend. _"Oh shit." Quinn said to an empty room. Then Quinn panicked, Should she ask Santana about it now, or wait, or ignore it, or tell someone else, a teacher, Brittany, any of the glee club.

"Quinn," Santana called from downstairs, "Are you done yet? Pancakes are ready." Her panic rose again, she hurriedly put the book in her bag, deciding she should show someone else that would be better at handling this than she would, and ran downstairs.

Once she reached the kitchen she saw Santana putting out the syrup and Nutella on the table in front of a plate of pancakes. Quinn knew she wouldn't be able look calm so she decided it would be best to leave as soon as possible. "I'm really sorry Santana, I've got to go." she saw Santana's face fill with disappointment and felt terrible, but she knew it was for the best, even if it didn't feel like it right now, "Sorry, San. My mum just called and she was kind of annoyed because i didn't call her to say i wouldn't be home, I kind of need to go back and calm her down."

Santana put some syrup on the pancakes, "oh, okay ... thats fine... i'll eat these...Go on, go, before your mom comes round here to find you. You know she wants a piece of the Lopez." Quinn let out a nervous laugh, normal she would throw back a sarcastic comment but she just needed to get out of there. "Of course she does. okay i'm off then, bye." Just as Santana was about to walk over and give her hug Quinn ran out the door.

When Santana heard the front door close she let out a sigh, "Alone again." she said to herself. She aggressively grabbed the plates of pancakes and sat on the sofa, turned on the T.V, ready for another day of nothing.

Santana had spent the whole day lying on the sofa watching re-runs of Friends, at about 7 pm she went upstairs figuring she might as well try and get some of her homework done, _God, I must be really board, _Santana thought to herself as she made her way to her room. When Santana got to her room she looked over to her set of draws, remembering her diary. She thought she would update it, she hadn't had a chance to write about yesterday because Quinn was here. Santana looked behind the draws and when she didn't see it she was hit with a flood of panic. She pushed the set of draws over, sending its contents all over the floor. But it definitely wasn't there. In the panic she thought she may have put it somewhere else so started throwing the contents of her wardrobe over the floor incase it was in there, she looked everywhere, but the time she had finished her room looked like a bomb had hit it, but it wasn't there and she was almost certain she knew where it was.

Santana stood in the middle of her room, head in her hands. _What am i going to do now? _she asked herself, _Why couldn't you keep your mouth shut last night you idiot. This is your fault, all your fault. _Santana screamed as loud as she could, not caring if the neighbors heard. She pulled the set of draws of the floor, rummaged through her underwear draw, until she found what was looking for. She pulled her tank top above her hip again, it was the first time she properly looked at the cut across her hip, the blood had dried and it was burning red. She squeezed her eyes shut and dragged the piece of mirror she had hid in her top draw across her hip again, beneath the other one. This time she allowed herself to whimper aloud as tear ran down her cheek. Then she did it again, and again, until she had four new, long cuts across her hip, blood dripping down her side. She ran into the bathroom, grabbing a towel and pressing against her side, soaking up the blood.

**Hope you liked it, please tell me what you think, good or bad (maybe not too bad, i don't want to be crying myself to sleep) ... xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hello to you all.**

**First things first, I've never got that first things first thing coz it can only go first because it is first ... anywho, 'first things first' thank you to you all for following this story, you are all fantabulous.**

**Second things secondly, fulloglee (hi by the way) you wanted to know how often you can expect updates, I'm hoping every monday evening (British time), or at least every week. I have already started writing Chapter 8. I hope it will be every week, I am suppose to be doing college but this keeps distracting me, I don't mind it distracting me, my mum on the other hand. With this and tumblr ... lets just say she's not happy. I keep telling her I'm 'doing research', which I am, Fangirl research.**

**ANYWAYS! on with the show**

The next morning she woke up, the blood from her hip had soak though and covered the sheets, but Santana couldn't care less, she just wanted to stay in bed, not go to school, just curl up in her sheets and forget everything. But she had to get her book back from Quinn and make her keep her mouth shut.

When she got to McKinley she stormed straight in to the choir room, all of Glee club were already there, but she didn't take any notice. Santana headed straight for Quinn and she could see she was scared. "Give it back." She stood directly in front of Quinn, towering over her. "W-what?" Quinn kept her gaze away from Santana, staring at Mr. Shue in his office. "You know what?" Santana practically shouted, her voice breaking slightly, on the verge of tears. And Quinn could see it, "Look, I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do. Please, don't be mad at me."

"Santana." Mr. Shue came out of his office, Santana turned to him and noticed a book in his hand, she turned back to Quinn, shaking her head, _Why was this happening? _"Can I see you in my office please, Santana?"

"What have you done?" she whispered, "What have you done?" There was no way she could stop the tears this time. "Santana, please," Quinn moved closer to her, "I'm doing this to help you."

"Whats going on?" it was the first time any of the others spoke, it was Puck.

"Santana, please. Lets go in my office." Santana moved slowly towards the office, Quinn followed.

Mr. Shue closed the door and the blinds so none of the others could see. "Santana, I haven't read this," he put the book down on his desk, "and I won't unless you want me to, but Quinn has told me, that she thinks you're self harming. She hasn't told me why, though I'm guessing she knows if she has read this. Can I have a look, at where you've hurt yourself? I just want to make sure it's nothing to serious. Then you can tell me the rest, or not, it's up to you." Santana chanced a glance at Quinn out the corner of her eye, she was on the verge of tears, but Santana found it hard to feel sorry for her. Santana thought she might be able to recover from this, so she stood up straight and put her confidence mask back on, "I haven't been hurting myself, I love myself too much. I only said that the other night coz I was wasted and wanted attention, since the only person anyone has cared about since she got knocked up is her."

"Santana, I'm not stupid. Please let us help you."

"Why should I? The last i checked I wasn't a part of this dumb club, you finally grew a pair and threw me out remember." Her confident mask was starting to break.

"Santana, I will look at this," he pointed at her book, "If I have to, I will. So it's your choice, show me, and tell me yourself or I'll read it in there." Santana went to argue, "Don't argue with me. I am worried about you. You are a part of this family, weather you like it or not and I'm going to help."

Santana sighed, knowing she had lost, but she still couldn't bring herself to show him the cuts, "I can't" she whispered, a tear falling down her cheek.

"Santana, it's okay." Quinn finally plucked up the courage to moved to Santana's side without feeling like she was going to have her head bitten off. "It's not okay, I'm suppose to be the strong one," Santana said directly to Quinn, ignoring Mr. Shue, "I'm the one who is supposed to keep it together, to sort things out. Brittany's to innocent to do it. You've got ... stuff, I'm the one that need to be strong for all us. I can't be weak."

"Santana," Quinn tucked a piece of Santana's hair behind her ear, and pulled her chin up to make look in eyes so she could see that she was telling the absolute truth, "This doesn't make you weak, you are still so much stronger than the rest of us, but you won't be, if you don't show Mr. Shue what you've done and talk to him." Santana nodded her head, and without taking her eyes from Quinn's she pulled up her top revealing 5 long cuts, still red raw, still stained with blood.

Mr. Shue's jaw dropped and he bought his hand to his mouth. Quinn's eyes widened with the shock of seeing 4 fresh cuts. "I'm sorry." Santana whispered as she quickly pulled her to back down. "Santana," Mr. Shue was the first to speak, "There is nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all. But ... Jesus ... I just didn't expect it to be this bad. I think we should take you to the hospital, just incase they get infected."

"No." Santana shook her head frantically, "I can't go to the hospital."

"Her dad works there." Quinn answered Mr. Shue's confusion. "He doesn't work in the Emergency room though, San, and thats where we will take you."

"Okay." Santana nodded, keeping her gaze on the floor, feeling ashamed.

"Hey," Quinn pulled her chin once again, sensing how Santana was feeling, "Don't feel ashamed, don't you dare feel ashamed. This is not your fault. I should have been there for you, your parents should have been there for you. So don't you ever feel ashamed." Quinn took Santana's hand and squeezed it tight. Then Mr. Shue's hand was on her shoulder, "Can I take you to the hospital now?" Santana nodded her head, still not looking directly at him.

Mr. Shue led the way out the door, then Quinn, who pulled Santana out by her hand. Once they were outside all eyes were on Santana, she wiped a few of the tears off her cheeks and pulled Quinn back a little, as shield between her and the others.

"Whats happened?" Puck said from his seat at the back. Then there was a voice Santana really didn't need to hear right now. "San? San, whats happened? Whats going on?" Santana picked up the pace but Quinn slowed down, "It's nothing, Britt. It's fine."

"I'm not stupid Quinn, Whats going on?" Santana hated seeing Brittany upset, and hated when she thought other people thought she was stupid so she stopped and turned to Brittany, but didn't look her in the eye, "I'll talk to you later, Britt, okay? I'll tell you later."

Mr. Shue stepped in, seeing how uneasy Santana was, "I just need to take the girls somewhere, so rehearsals is cancelled for today," There was a small moan from Rachel's seat, "But we'll be back on tomorrow, and Santana will be returning to the group, if she wants to." Santana smiled at Mr. Shue from behind Quinn and mouthed 'thank you'. "Right, I really have to take these two now." Mr. Shue ushered them towards the door.

When they left the hospital and got in the car, Santana with her hip covered in a padded dressing too keep down the bleeding and stop infection. Santana had expected Mr. Shue to start the engine straight away, but he sat in the drivers seat and turned to her and Quinn in the back. "While we're away from school, I was just wondering if you were ok to talk now?" Santana instantly looked down and started playing with her finger nails.

"Go on, San. You need to say it."

"I don't need to say anything. Can't you just say it? I'm not ready."

"You have to do it, Santana. You are ready for this. It's not going to be awkward or embarrassing," Santana gave her a how-did-you-know-thats-what-i-was-thinking look, "I read it remember. Trust me." Quinn took Santana's hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Can you not look at me when I say this." Mr. Shue turned away, look out the front window, "I think ... I think I might be ... gay, but I'm not sure," she added hastily, "It's just ... I think I'm ... this is actually totally awkward," She said with a small laugh, "I think I'm love with brittany, and it's kind of been confusing, because growing up in my house this isn't normal, we're a religious family and my Abuela, even though I know she loves me, would not be happy about this, she cares to much about what people think. And then theres school, you've seen how Kurt got treated, I know I act like a cold hearted bitch, but thats just because making other people miserable take my mind off me hating my life, but thats not the point, Kurt was treated like shit, we're all treated like shit in Glee club but i'm head cheerleader which will just make the gossip worse, and all the girls in the locker room will think i'm checking them out, but I'm not, why would I when Brittany's in the room. And then theres Brittany whose with Artie and every time I see them together it breaks my heart, which again, I know might be a shock, considering most of the time I act like I don't have a heart, but it's just Brittany, she's the only person who see's me for who I really am, she's the only person I'm nice for and that scares but excites me all at the same time, and when I'm with her, those moments are just the best part of my life, and when she's with Artie I feel like she's giving those moments away to someone else. And then she comes and says she misses our sweet lady kisses and I know they don't mean anything to her and that if I want to let go, which I do because I want her to be happy and things are too complicated as far I am concerned, if I want to let go, then I have to resist but I can't help it, I just want to be with her all the time. And she's deserves so much better than me." Santana let out a long sigh of relief and then looked up to see both Mr. Shue and Quinn staring at her, she hadn't meant to start rambling but once she started talking she couldn't stop. "Wow," Mr. Shue broke the silence, "well, thats alot of information to take in, maybe we should deal with one thing at a time. You should talk to your parents, they need to know you for who you are, like Brittany does, and if they can't accept it, thats their problem. We are all here for you Santana. And as far as Brittany is concerned, just tell her, if thats how she make you feel, tell her. Whats the worse that could happen? She would never get angry or stop talking to you, everyone can see she cares about you too much to do that." Santana knew Mr. Shue had a point, "What if she doesn't do those things but things just get different. You know she still talks me and doesn't get angry but she keeps her distance, doesn't want to come around and hang out anymore." Santana had always known Brittany would never get angry about how she felt, but was scared of loosing Brittany, the Brittany she had now. "Things are fine the way they are now, hanging out, cheerio's, walking down the corridors with our little fingers linked, I like it like this."

"Santana," Quinn turned Santana so she was looking directly at her, "Things aren't fine, not with you hurting yourself the way you have. And I know Brittany. The way she cried down the phone when you got mad at her the other day, she cares about you more than you think, in fact, we all care about you more than you think." Santana could see in Quinn's eyes, that she truly believed people cared about her, Santana still had her doubts about some of the others but maybe she was right about Brittany, she hoped she was right about Brittany. "Fine, but what do I do first," She turned back to Mr. Shue, "Tell my parents or Brittany?"

They pulled up at Santana's house, both her parents were home, she hadn't seen them since they went off for the conference for the weekend. "You know what? I don't need to do this today. I haven't seen them all weekend and then I go and drop this bombshell on them."

"If you don't do it now you never will." Mr. Shue said.

"Will you come with me? If you're there its less likely they'll kill me, it's still likely, but less so."

"Of course we will." Mr. Shue smiled a reassuring smile.

"Thank you, both of you." She turned to Quinn who had a fake look of surprise on her face, "Oh, shut up Quinn, I can be nice sometimes." She laughed, but that soon stopped when she looked back towards the house.

They walked through the door and straight away, "Santana Lopez! When we went away for the weekend we didn't expect to come back to our house looking like a bombs hit it, and your room looks like it's been ransacked." Her mom stopped when she walked into the corridor and saw Santana was accompanied by Quinn and Mr. Shue. "Oh gosh, i'm so sorry, but still Santana what are you playing at, bringing guest back to our house when it looks like this." Santana stared down at her feet.

"Sorry mom. I meant to do it when I got back from school but..." she trailed off, knowing she needed to explain it to both of them, when they were sitting down and calm. "What?" Santana shifted nervously, and Mr. Shue noticed.

"Mrs. Lopez, I'm Mr. Shue, Santana's spanish teacher, and I teach Glee as well." He held out his hand, but she dismissed it. "So your the teacher thats distracting her from her education, making her sing instead of concentrating on the subjects that matter so she can go to medical school." Mr. Shue laughed nervously, and then Santana's mom turned to Quinn, "And Quinn, we haven't seen you in a while, you look ...urr ... healthy ... nice hair." that was her moms way of saying 'what have you done to yourself.' Quinn narrowed her eyes, "jee, thanks Mrs. Lopez, always with the flattery." Mrs. Lopez dismissed the comment.

"Well, what can I do for you both?" Santana didn't take her eyes off the floor, if this is how she treated Quinn just for having different hair, what was she going to say to her after she told them. "I need to talk to you about something, you and papi."

"Can't it wait, Mija. We're about to go out for a dinner, something to do with hospital funding. It's very important, probably alot more important than whatever this is." Santana had always hated they way her parents regarded they status and reputation higher than her, how there was always something more important, sometimes she liked being left alone in her room to think or be with Britt but most of the time it just made her hate herself more than she already did. "Actually Mrs. Lopez, it's really rather important." Santana glanced at Mr. Shue and noticed his hand on Quinn Shoulder, hold her back. She looked Quinn in the face and could see how angry she was. Quinn had obviously met her parents and knew they weren't particularly loving but she had never seen just how detached they were from their daughter, she couldn't believe it. Her parents weren't great, but she always knew they loved her, but Mrs. Lopez, it was like she knew absolutely nothing about her daughter.

"Well, you best be quick Santana, your papi has to be seen at this dinner this evening." Mrs. Lopez still didn't seem worried about the fact that her daughter had obviously been crying and she had bought a teacher back her house, _surly she should be a little worried now, _Santana thought, no, hoped.

They followed Santana's mum into the kitchen, she put the kettle down and offered them a seat at the dining room table, "Your papi is up stairs getting ready, he should be done soon. So, mija, how was your day at school? I hope you spent your time doing something useful, your papi told me you got chucked out of that singing club." Santana went to say she was back in but her mom carried on before she could utter the first syllable, "If you ask me, it's about time. Lets face it Santana, you're not the nicest of people and those lot in that group, their, well, day dreamers. You probably just bring them down with all that negativity." She said, not turning away from making tea.

"Have you ever asked yourself why?" Quinn stood up from the table, "Why _your daughter_ is so negative? Have you ever thought it could because of you -" Santana stood up to stop her, "Quinn please."

"No! Santana, how can you let her talk to you like this?" Santana tried to push Quinn back down into her seat, which she reluctantly did. "Its always been this way, I'm use to it."

"Jesus." Quinn breathed.

"Mami, I'm back in Glee club actually, Mr. Shue let me back in." Santana sat back in her chair keeping her gaze off everyone. "Oh, Santana, you should of said no. It j-" Santana cut her off. "Is Papi nearly ready? This really is important."

"Okay," Mrs. Lopez walked towards the kitchen door, "I'll go check." Once she was out the room, Santana glanced a look at Quinn and Mr. Shue, "Do you get it now?" Santana whispered, "This is why I can never talk to them about anything." Then she heard her mom shouting from the bottom of the stairs. "Cariño, are you ready yet? Santana is here with one her teachers and that Quinn girl, she said she needs to talk to us."

"I'll be right down, meil. Doesn't she know we've got to get to this dinner tonight?" He called back down the stairs. "I've told her, but she says it's important."

"Well, it better be, I cannot be late for this." They heard Mr. Lopez come down the stairs and talk to his wife in a hushed voice, intending for Santana and the others not to here, but her didn't do a very good job, "How long do you reckon this is going to take?"

"no very, I hope. Just get in there quick so we can go." Santana sighed and looked towards Quinn and Mr. Shue who just looked at her with pity and she hated it.

Her dad walked and straight away looked like he didn't give a shit, "Come on then, Mija, out with it. Ràpido. Hemos realmente tiene que ir." Santana stood up from her chair and took a final look at Quinn and Mr. Shue, who had both got rid of their pitiful expression and replaced the ones of encouragement. Then she turned to her parents and took a final breath. "Mami, Papi, I ... I'm ... Maybe you should sit down ..." Her dad took a look at his watch, "Santana, I don't have time for this."

"Fuck! Why can't you, for once, put me before your fucking hospital! I'm you daughter, and I don't like that as much as you do, but you're suppose to be there for me, but all you think about is the fucking hospital and your reputation! I should be more important! You haven't even noticed that I've been miserable for last 3 months, I have literally hated everything about myself." Santana's parents stared at her dumbfounded, not saying a word. Santana scoffed at them, disgusted that they could even say anything, "Jesus, I'm Gay!" Her dads face was blank, "Yeah, I'm gay, Papi, and I'm in love with Brittany." She stopped, waiting for any response from them, but her dad just looked at his watch again.

**So shits going down, I need to stop trying to be gangster. I hope you enjoyed it, ALL reviews welcome (although like I have said, I don't want to be crying myself to sleep so don't be too mean, just some 'constructive criticism') see you next monday.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello again. Well I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story. **

**thank you for the reviews I have taken you advice, adryruless99, I've made the Paragraphs shorter, hope thats easy to read. **

**I'm actually looking for a beta if anyone is intrested. let me know.**

**Anywho. enjoy this next chapter ...**

"We have to get to this dinner," he turned to Mrs. Lopez, and Santana's face turned to confusion, "get in the car." Mrs. Lopez could see the seriousness in his face so immediately moved to the car. "Mami!" Santana shouted after her, but she didn't turn back.

Then Mr. Lopez turned back to Santana, "Quinn, Mr. Shue. Could you give me and Santana a second." He said to them without taking his eyes off Santana. They both left the room, Mr. Shue placed a reassuring hand on Santana shoulder before he left. Once they had gone Santana turned back to her dad.

"Okay, Santana, I'm going to go to this dinner, it will last 3 hours at least, so we should be back by 10, and I want you, and as much stuff as you carry, out my house before we get back." Santana went to argue back but he waved her down, "No. you should of kept your mouth shut about this, do you hear me, Santana? You will not tell anyone about your ... thing. If your friends in there know, tell them to keep quiet too. I have a reputation, this will bring shame on our family. Do you have any idea what people are going say?" Santana felt tears fall down her cheeks.

"But you're my Papi. You're supposed to stop them saying those things. You're supposed to look after me and protect me. I can't do this with out you. I need you." She was pleading with him now, she had never told anybody she needed them before, she had never been so weak, but she was desperate, she needed a dad right now. "I am not your Papi." He turned and walked towards the door, then just before he left he turned back to her, "Any of your stuff thats still here later will be thrown out." and then he was gone, and Santana was left on her own, standing in the middle of the kitchen, her eyes wide, her mouth open, a trail of tears down her face. She wanted to run after him, yell at him for not being a good dad, beg him to stay and protect her from what was to come.

Santana couldn't move from where she stood, her eyes still stuck to the place where he left. She didn't even move when Quinn opened the door from the living room. They had no idea what had happened but the moment Quinn saw Santana she rushed to her side, "Santana? Santana, what happened?" but she didn't move, not until Mr. Shue stood directly in front of her, blocking her view, snapping her attention back to them. But she still didn't say anything, she just slowly pulled herself from Quinn's grip and walked up the stairs to her room. Mr. Shue and Quinn just stared at each other, it was obvious that it didn't go well, but they didn't realize just how badly it went.

Santana sat on her bed, still in shock from what her dad said, she had expected it to happen but she couldn't help but be surprised by it. "Santana." She heard Quinn's soft voice from behind the door, she couldn't just ignore her, so she stood up and let her in.

"Mr. Shue's waiting downstairs. What happened?"

Santana panicked, she didn't like fuss, she didn't like it when people felt like they needed to look after her. Santana didn't want Quinn to fuss and try and make her feel better. She wanted to be left alone to think and try to sort things out. Santana knew as soon as she told Quinn her dad had thrown her out, Quinn would do all those things, fuss and try to look after her. Santana had expected this kind of reaction from her parents, she knew this is how things would go, and yet Quinn and Mr. Shue had made her do it, she tried to tell them they would be angry and want to disown her but they still forced her to tell them. She couldn't help but feel angry towards the blonde that sat next to her on the bed. "It went well."

Quinn's brow furrowed as she turned to Santana, "What?" Quinn was so sure it had gone badly, but she had to admit they hadn't heard shouting or arguing while they waited in the living room. It was just Santana's face when they walked into the room, she had looked confused but scared and there was so much sadness behind her eyes. "He was fine with it." Santana said matter-of-factly.

"But, when me and Mr. Shue cam in you looked so sad and ..." Quinn trailed off, trying to think if maybe she had got it wrong.

"No, I was just shocked. I had expected it to go differently." Santana paused as she tried to think of what she could say happened instead of the reality. So she opted to go with the version she had hoped for, that she wished had actually happened, "He just gave me a hug and told me not to worry, then he said that I should have told them and not tried to hide who I really was, then he said they really had to go to the dinner but we would talk more when he got back." Santana stared down and tried to stop a tear falling down her cheek, unsuccessfully, so she turned to Quinn and smiled, trying to make it look like it was a happy tear, which Quinn believed. "See I told you. They're your parents, Santana, they love you no matter what." She gave Santana a tight squeeze. "I'll tell Mr. Shue he can go now, then I'll get you a drink."

"No. Its fine. Mr. Shue has to take you home anyway. I'll be fine here." Quinn was very reluctant to go but eventually Santana wore her down.

So Santana was left on her own, in her room as she counted how long she had left until her parents got back, 2 hours 17 minuets. So she had that long to pack her stuff into her car ... which was still at school, so it would take her 20 minuets to walk there, less then 10 minuets to get back which meant she had 1 hour and 47 minuets to pack her stuff and find somewhere to go. As been as she couldn't waste anytime Santana immediately ran downstairs locked the front door and walked to McKinley as quickly as she could.

She was over half way there and her mind was racing. What was she going to do? Where was she going to go? She couldn't go to Quinn's because she had told her everything was fine, why did she have to do that? She couldn't go to Brittany's because being around her at the moment was too hard and she had promised Brittany that she would explain everything to her, which she just wasn't ready to do. Santana then thought of her Abuela. Her Abuela loved her very much but she was a very religious, proud woman and would not understand Santana's feelings for Brittany. But maybe she didn't have to tell her, her papi probably wouldn't have told her about Santana, he was too disgusted, he wouldn't want her to find out. So she had her destination.

Then Santana's phone buzzed in her pocket, she both hoped it would be Brittany and didn't. She wanted to hear Brittany's cheerful voice which always cheered her up, but then she thought that, at this moment, that happiness might make her angry, hearing someone so happy would just remind her of the fact that her life is just shit right now. She looked down at her phone and her heart sank.

"Hey, Britt." She tried to make her voice as cheerful as possible but she knew Brittany would be able to see right through it. "Santana? Whats going on?" it wasn't Brittany's usual cheery tone, it was dead serious and almost sad, and Santana hated herself for it because she knew that it was because of her that Brittany was sad, "I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but you promised me you would." Santana let out a heavy sigh.

"Not now Britt, this isn't something I can do over the phone."

"Then come over." Santana sighed again, Why did Brittany have to come up with a solution.

"I really can't Britt, I've got things to do." Santana had McKinley and her car in her sights and she was so relieved.

"Don't lie to me, Santana, and don't avoid this, come over to my house and talk to me, I thought we were best friends, I thought we told each other everything." Santana put her keys in the car door, "I'm not lying Britt! I don't have time this! For god's sake, Brittany! Of course we're best friends but I don't tell you anything because you can never keep your mouth shut about anything and you don't even realize it! Just let me explain things in my own time! Quinn forced into dealing with this shit and look where that got me!" Oh crap she had gone to far, Santana hung up the phone and started the car as fast as she could, she knew Brittany would now call Quinn, who would then be confused because she thought everything was fine, then go round to Santana's and see her packing her stuff.

Santana drove as fast as she could, breaking all the speed limits. When she got home she ran out the car, not even bothering to close the door, she nearly ran past the phone, but then she noticed the red light flashing, telling her there was a message. For a split second Santana had hoped it was her dad, telling her to stay and they would work things out, but she knew that was stupid. She listened to the message, '_Santana, it's your Abuela.' _Santana knew she sounded angry, '_Your papi has called me and told me everything, don't even think about coming here, do you hear me Santana. You will not step foot in my house again.' _That was it, Santana had no where to go, she was completely alone. Then Santana's phone buzzed again in her pocket, it was Quinn, this snapped her out of her thoughts as she remembered why she was in such a rush.

...

At Quinn's house Brittany sat on her sofa whilst Quinn paced up and down in front of her, phone plastered to her ear, "Santana, answer your fucking phone and tell what the hell is going on. Even if you don't answer it i'm on my way over." She hung up the phone and ran for the door, grabbing her keys of the table. Brittany followed her as Quinn started to dial another number into her phone, it wasn't until Quinn was at her car that noticed Brittany had followed her, "Britt, you should stay here okay?"

"No, Quinn, I'm coming with you." Quinn held her phone to her ear as she opened her car door, "Please Britt, just stay here, I'll be bringing her back with me anyway." Brittany reluctantly walked back towards the house.

"Mr. Shue, it's Quinn," Quinn got in her car and started to drive away, feeling bad for leaving Brittany behind, but she knew she had to talk to Santana first, "I think something else has happened to Santana ... I don't know but Brittany was at my house and she'd had an argument with Santana over the phone and Brittany said that Santana said Quinn forced me into dealing with this and look where that got me ... I'm my way over now ... okay I'll see you there." Quinn threw her phone onto the passenger seat and drove to Santana's house, probably costing her a fortune in speeding tickets.

She had just got out her car when Mr. Shue pulled up in his. She knocked on the front door loudly, "Santana, open this door!" She felt Mr. Shue'd hand on her shoulder and he pulled her back, he knock gently on the door, "Santana, it's Mr. Shue." he said calmly. Nothing. Mr. Shue turned to Quinn, who was pulling a set of keys out of her pocket, Mr. Shue looked at her confused as she put on of the keys in the door and unlocked it, "Santana gave it to me, when I was pregnant and her parents went on holiday for a month, I practically lived here. I don't use it anymore, but this is kind of an emergency." Mr. Shue looked surprised and Quinn knew it was because he had never expected Santana to be so nice, "She was my best friend," She said as she walked up the stairs, "It may have looked like all we did was argue and try and beat each other with boys and being head cheerleader, but out of school she was always there for me. 'Out of school Santana' is one of the nicest people I know."

They turned into Santana's room, at first you wouldn't be able to notice the difference, but Quinn noticed the important stuff missing. Some of the Photo's were missing from Santana wall, Quinn looked closer, she saw the picture of her, Santana and Brittany after the cheerleading nationals last year was missing. She walked over to Santana's desk and saw the jewelry box her Abuela had gave her, which was usually full of money she was saving up, had gone. Quinn rushed over to the wardrobe and opened it to see that all her clothes had gone. Once Mr. Shue saw the inside of the wardrobe he rushed to the draws to find them empty. Santana was gone.

Quinn walked into the choir room, she looked like crap because she had been up all night trying to get hold of Santana. She was the first one there and Mr. Shue was waiting for her. "Anything?" Quinn shook her head and fell onto one of the chairs closest to her. "I tried to talk to her parents, her dad just said he didn't care as long as she wasn't near him or his family." Quinn scoffed in disgust and took her phone out of her pocket, "I've left like 50 voicemails, she could at least text me to tell me she's okay." Then Kurt and Blaine walked in so she sat up straight trying to look a bit more alive.

"Rough night?" Blaine asked her, Quinn groaned.

"You have no idea." She looked towards Mr. Shue who appeared to be in deep thought. He snapped out of it when Rachel loudly came into the room, followed by Brittany, tina, Finn and Mercedes. "Quinn." He turned to her, "Could I have a quick word." Quinn was looking at Brittany who had a very depressed look on her face and was being comforted by Tina. Quinn hadn't told Brittany what they found at Santana's house or any of the other stuff, she just came up with a lame excuse that Santana was just trying to get her to leave her alone so she could be by herself to think, which then meant Brittany was upset that Santana didn't want to talk to her. Brittany also had many questions as to why Santana wanted to be alone and think, Quinn said the first thing that came into her head, she told her that Santana's parents had been fighting alot lately and she was just finding things hard. Brittany didn't seen totally convinced but left it there. "Quinn." Mr. Shue bought her back from her thoughts and he motioned her towards his office.

Quinn sat on the chair in front of his desk while Mr. Shue paced up and down. "Quinn, I just wanted to check something with you." He paused for a second showing his uncertainty , "Do you think we should tell the others, that Santana has gone and her parents threw her out. I know it could cause alot of trouble but they might have some ideas as to where she's gone."

Quinn thought about it for a second. If they did tell them, there would be alot of questions, and Brittany would defiantly know it wasn't her parents fighting that was to blame. However, she could see Mr. Shue's point, they might know a few places where she would go, especially Brittany. "Okay, but if they ask why, you can't say anything. I've told Britt that her parents are fighting and thats why she's upset, but she won't believe that now, and it's Santana that needs to tell Britt, when we find her." He nodded in agreement and opened the door to his office letting Quinn out first, putting his hand on her shoulder for encouragement. When she walked out the office everyone was there and she immediately looked at Brittany who was staring straight back at her, her eyes begging Quinn to talk to her but she moved to the front of the class with Mr. Shue and sat on the piano stall.

"Okay, guys." Mr. Shue clapped his hands together to get their attention. "I'm afraid todays rehearsal is cancelled again." There was a groan from rachel seat.

"But Mr. Shue, it was cancelled yesterday and if we're going to have any shot at nationals we need to be rehearsing everyday, in fact I was thinking that we should start having sessions after school as well as during lunchtime, that way-" Mr Shue cut her off.

"Not now Rachel." Rachel slumped back in her chair, "The thing is, theres something kind of important we need to discuss, quite a bit more important than nationals." He looked towards Rachel as she went to retort, "You see," He looked back at Quinn for support, thinking she would know how to word this better than he would. Quinn couldn't help but think he should know what to say as been as he's a teacher, but she stood up and walked closer to the front.

"Santana's missing." Quinn decided to be blunt. She looked at everyones faces, Brittany looked like she was about to cry, rachel looked guilty for thinking about nationals when this was happening, the others looked shocked, and puck just looked confused. No one said anything so she thought she would have to explain a little more than that, "She had a fight with her parents and they threw her out, she told me everything was fine but ..." she trailed off remember finding Santana's room empty.

"I don't understand." Puck spoke from the back, still looking really confused.

"Jesus, Puck, how hard is it. She's gone." She didn't want to have to explain or talk about it she just wanted to know if they knew where she was.

"No, I understand what you're saying Quinn! I'm not stupid! It's just ... I saw her ... This morning, at the Lima Bean." Quinn's eyes grew wide.

"What are you talking about?" Everyones eyes were on Puck now.

"She was in her car with some guy making out, then when I was getting my coffee she was in the queue behind me, she just said she wouldn't be in coz she had hooked up with this guy. She seemed fine, she seemed like normal Santana."

"I don't think she's ever been normal Santana." She said under her breath, Rachel looked at her like she had heard what she said, but Quinn dismissed it and looked back at Puck, "Did she say where she was going?"

"No, she just left."

...

Santana left her house, her car didn't have much stuff init, her clothes and the little important things. She didn't know exactly where she was going to go, so she just drove. She had been driving for a while and she was on a street she didn't know, full of crappy bars that looked like you could catch an STD just driving past the place. She looked at her clock, 11:24, her parents would be home now, she could imagine them just carrying on their life as normal, like she never existed. She pulled over and walked straight into one of the bars.

She'd had about 3, no 4 shots, and some wine and some beer and what ever else was put in front of her, including a green thing that looked like a slushy but it definitely didn't taste like one. She had started talking to some random guy about 5, no, 6 drinks ago, she could hardly walk, hardly talk and the randomer kindly helped her to her car. "Look, I really don't think you should be driving, my place is literally just there," Santana followed his finger as he pointed towards an apartment above another sleazy bar. "Okay ... urrr ...sorry," she slurred, "I don't mean to be rude but i've already forgotten your name." He just laughed.

"I'm not surprised, you've been knocking them back. It's Liam."

"Okay Liam, you probably have point, and it's not like i would have anywhere to go even if i could drive." She started walking in the direction of the apartment, she turned round, finger pointing at him, "No funny business mind you." She said, and she was serious, she didn't want to have a repeat of the other night. "As if." Liam scoffed, "I don't get girls drunk and then try to sleep with, I'm not that sort of man." Santana laughed and then tripped slightly, Liam ran to her side to stop her from falling, laughing slightly.

When they got in, Santana sat straight down on his couch, while Liam poured her a glass of vodka and handed it to her, "Are you sure you should be giving me more to drink?" Santana said as she downed the glass. Liam ignored the comment, "So, what were you talking about when you said you wouldn't have anywhere to go?"

"Oh, my parents threw me out and family have disowned me, so I have no where to live." She said the last part with a smile.

"Why are you smiling? Thats not something to be happy about."

"Well, it means i can do this every night doesn't it." Liam sighed.

"Look, Santana, my room mate literally just moved out, so I've got a spare room."

"Seriously? Oh that would be amazing like totally amazing, amazing." Liam smiled then moved closer to her so their lips were inches apart, Santana moved back, "What are you doing?" She laughed, "I said no funny business." she had mocking angry look on her face.

"You want to live here so you're going to have to give me something in return." He forced his lips on to her, Santana moved back, but Liam just followed her, their lips still attached. He pushed her back on to the couch, his hands either side of her head. Santana tried to push him off her, "Look, you need somewhere to stay, don't you?" Santana nodded, "Well this is what you going to have to do to get it." A tear fell down her cheek, but she gave up, allowing Liam to kiss her hard, forcing his tongue into her mouth. He pulled back slightly, "You're going to have to put in a bit more effort than that." He attacked her mouth again, this time she reluctantly kissed him back.

He pushed her dress up around her waist and pulled her knickers down. Santana's head was fuzzy and she couldn't think straight, she did need somewhere to stay, and like he said this was the only way. Her vision was slightly blurry and she couldn't focus. Then she felt him thrust inside her, she let out a moan and she felt him smirk against her lips.

Santana sobbed slightly, but Liam didn't take any notice. This was all too familiar to Santana, after the other night and sometimes she couldn't help but think that Brittany used her for sex as well, she would just come round her house and ask for sweet lady kisses, without thinking about how Santana was feeling. Santana closed her eyes and just hoped it would be over quickly.

**okay well I hope you enjoyed it. please leave reviews, I like knowing what you all think. **

**see you next monday x**


	7. Chapter 7

**hi guys **

**to start ... hey to you guys who have added this to your story alert since i added to chapter 6, you awesome!**

**to finish ... lolathe17th (hiya!) this is going to be brittana (they my OTP, well one off coz i have like 50) brittana is starting to happen now and i've just finished chapter 8 where there is more brittana and i have planned chapter 9 which again will be more brittana ... as for the oc girlfriend for Santana, i am thinking of something along those lines but you'll have to wait and see ... **

**okay enjoy the chapter ... **

Santana was woken up but someone banging on the door, she tried to sit but failed miserably, bringing her hand quickly to head as she felt a searing pain. She heard a voice she didn't recognize answer the door, "What do you want?" Santana kept her eyes tight shut, her head was killing her, she heard the quiet mumbling as the person at the door replied, "Jesus, couldn't you wait, this is all I've got left." Santana opened her eyes slightly to see where she was and who was at the door, "How much?" She saw a man she recognized at the door but she couldn't place him, "200." Santana saw the man hand over a small bag and take some money from the person at the door, who she couldn't see. Santana wasn't stupid, she knew it was drugs and she had to admit, it scared her, what the hell had she gotten herself into. Santana stay laid on the sofa, eyes tight shut. "Hey." She heard the guy say, "Hey, Santana get up." He hit her leg, quite hard to get her to wake up, she opened her eyes and saw a blonde, tired looking man above her. This time she sat up and took in her surroundings.

As she looked around the apartment memories of the night before came flooding back, her parents, packing her stuff, shouting at Brittany over the phone, drinking, alot of drinking and Liam, and ... She turned to Liam who was standing above her smiling. "I bought your stuff in from your car." Santana's head was still spinning and she was still a little confused, she had said last night she would live here but she was totally drunk, he didn't think she would still agree with their 'deal' now she was soba, did he? "Liam, I was totally out of it last night, I can't live here. I don't know you and I don't have a job to pay rent money or anything else." He laughed slightly at her rambling.

"I thought we had a deal, you don't have to pay _money_ to live here." This time Santana laughed, but it was more nervousness than anything else.

"Yeah, like I said, I was wasted last night, I don't really think our deal still stands."

"Oh, I think it does." Liam moved across the room and bent down in front of her, his noes almost touching hers, "Where else would you go?" Then he forcefully kissed her, pushing her back on to the couch, "I think the rents due now." He said with so much confidence it was almost sinister. It made Santana squeeze her eyes shut and allow him to suck on her neck, pulling her dress up to her waist again.

Why does this keep happening? How could she have gone from being so strong to so weak within a few days? She thought back over the last few days to see where it had gone wrong. Was it when Brittany came over and kissed her and then blew her off for Artie? Was When she drunkenly told Quinn she was self harming? Was it when Quinn had found her diary and told Mr. Shue? Was it when she was forced to tell her parents? Who was she kidding? She had always been weak. She had been weak for years she was just good at hiding it, so good in fact, that she had even manage to fool herself. She had been weak the day she realized she was in love with Brittany. As Liam continued to thrust into her she remembered that day.

...

Santana sat on her bed trying to do her homework, but Brittany kept texting her.

_Heyy. Santana, I'm soooo bored. Please give me something to do. - b xxxx _

Santana always had to text Brittany back right away, she knew it wouldn't make any difference if she waited 5 seconds or 5 hours, but she hated to keep Brittany waiting.

_Britt, I'm suppose to be doing math homework, you keep distracting me - s xxxxxx _

To be honest she hated homework but she liked it when Brittany thought she was smart, even though she knew it didn't matter to Brittany whether she was genius or had an IQ of 12. However Santana also knew that Brittany was the only person she could be herself with. Sometimes she hated how confused she was around Brittany but she loved being with her, and only ever wanted be with her. She was already packing her math books away when she got her text back from Brittany.

_Fine, if you don't want to keep me company ... wait we have math homework, okay, maybe I do care if you don't want to keep me company, could you come over and keep me company whilst helping me do my homework. - b xxxx _

Santana couldn't help but laugh at Brittany, she was literally already out the door and walking down the road to Brittany's, when she replied.

_Well, I don't know Britt, it kind of sounds like you only using me because of my math skills - s xxxxxx _

She smiled as she walked down the street, knowing Brittany would probably think she genuinely wasn't coming. Santana had noticed lately that she was constantly smiling when she just thought about Brittany. It was worse when she was around her, she felt like she had a big goofy grin on her face when she was with her. Lately Santana had been a little confused about her thoughts for Brittany, she loved being with Brittany and she loved their sweet lady kisses. In fact she had stopped hooking up with guys since last month, she didn't want to anymore, Brittany was enough.

_Please please please please please please please please please, It's not just your math skills, honest. It's also coz your so hot ... I'm so joking, well not that your not hot coz you totally hot, but i'm also so bored i really want you to come over please please please - b xxxx_

Santana smiled again, feeling pleased with herself for fooling her.

_Well now it just sounds like you only want me around because you have nothing better to do - s xxxxxx_

Santana had reached Brittany's door.

_No! I love it when you come over, you know I do! please - b xxxxx_

Santana couldn't help but laugh, she rang the door bell and listened as she could hear Brittany coming down the stairs on the other side. "I got it mum." she heard her shout. Brittany opened the door, "Santana!" She pulled her into hug. "I thought you were going to come, wait how did you get here so quickly, I only just sent my last text." Brittany looked really confused as she pulled out the hug.

"I was already on my way, like I would miss the chance to hang out with you instead of doing my homework." They walked up the stairs towards Brittany's bedroom.

"Now it sounds like you're using me because you have nothing better to do." Brittany stopped at the top of the stairs turned around and gave Santana a cheeky grin.

"Of course I am." Brittany turned around to Santana as she sat on the bed with a hurt look on her face, "I'm joking I can't think of anything I'd rather do." She sat opposite Brittany, crossed legged on the bed, their knees touching.

Brittany moved towards Santana, "Sweet lady kisses." Santana closed the gap, leaving a millimeter between their lips.

"Homework." Santana smirked as Brittany fell back onto the bed.

"Awwww, Santana, I'll do it later." Brittany sat up and started playing with Santana's hands in her lap, "This will be much more fun," Brittany said in a soft voice that made Santana want to pounce on her, "Besides, we have Miss Holiday for maths at the moment, she won't care if I hand it in or not."

"Fine." Brittany let out a little happy squeal then moved forward and brought her hand to Santana's cheek, pulling her closer. Santana closed the gap, attacking Brittany's mouth, she loved kissing Brittany, it was better than anything. As Brittany ran her tongue across Santana's mouth, Santana's mind was racing.

She loved kissing Brittany, more than she liked kissing Puck, or Finn, or Sam or any guy she'd been with. She loved spending time with Brittany, more than she liked spending time with Quinn, or Puck, or her family. They were just friends, really good friends, and they were both just really bored. But when she was dating Sam, all she wanted to do was be with Brittany. She loved it when Brittany smiled, she loved it when she made Brittany smile. She loved it when Brittany laughed, when she danced, when she concentrates really hard and she sticks her tongue out slightly.

Santana was snapped out of her thought when she felt Brittany pushing her back onto the bed. "See. This is much more fun than math." Santana just moaned in response, putting her hand on the back of Brittany's neck, pulling her back into a kiss as quick as she could. Santana was desperate for more, so she moved her hands to the hem of Brittany's top and tried to pull it up, but Brittany didn't move her arms from either side of Santana's head. Brittany just smiled against Santana's lips and sat up, straddling Santana's hips. Brittany stared down at Santana a smirk spread wide across her face, "Someone's eager. Puck not been around lately?"

Santana sat up, leaning her head back looking up at Brittany, grabbing the material of Brittany's top, pulling her down for another kiss, "Just fucking hurry up." Santana smirked against Brittany's lips and she could feel Brittany smile against hers. Brittany bought her hands to the hem of her own top and pulled it over her head, breaking the kiss for only a second. She pushed Santana back onto the bed and moved her lips along her jaw. Santana sighed as Brittany licked and sucked and bit her neck. Santana's fingers tangled in Brittany's hair as Brittany sat up slightly to remove Santana's top. Brittany stared at Santana for a second before leaning down and placing soft kisses on Santana's stomach. Santana closed her eyes, just wanting to focus all her thoughts on Brittany's lips pressed against her stomach.

Brittany moved her lips up, back to Santana's mouth, her fingers trying to unbutton Santana's pants. Brittany groaned against Santana's lips when she couldn't get them undone, Santana laughed as she bought her hands down to Brittany's, helping her undo them, "You should be good at this, you've done it enough times." Brittany smirked again, as she moved off Santana's hip and pulled Santana's jeans off and threw them into the corner of the room. Before she straddled Santana's hips again she pulled her own pants off and threw them on top of Santana's.

Brittany attacked Santana's mouth again, one hand moving the hair out of Santana's face. Brittany always manage to take control over Santana, she was always on top, and she was the only person who manage to do that without Santana feeling weak, it just felt like that was how it was suppose to be. Brittany trailed a hand down Santana's body until she reached the waistband of Santana's panties. Brittany ran her finger along the top of them, whilst moving he mouth down to Santana's neck. Santana gasped, realizing she hadn't been breathing while they kissed. "Please." She begged as Brittany continued to tease her with her fingers running across her hips.

"Begging so soon." Brittany smirked as she bought her head up, rest her forehead against Santana's. Brittany bit her lip as she quickly pushed her hand under Santana's pants taking Santana by surprise. Santana squeezed her eyes tight shut and bit her lip to stop herself moaning to loudly. She felt Brittany's hair hanging over her as Brittany stroked her clit. When she opened her eyes Brittany's face was inches from hers and Brittany had a smile spread across her face. Brittany had told her before that she liked to watch Santana's face when she touched her, usually something like that would make her feel vulnerable but it just made her feel special. Suddenly Brittany's fingers were inside her, Santana gasped and wrapped her arm around Brittany's shoulders, clutching onto her as tight as she could.

Brittany's finger moved in and out of her, slow at first, but as she picked up the pace, Santana's eyes closed tight again and her breathing got heavy. She could feel Brittany breathing on her lips, panting just as much as she was. "Britt." Santana breathed as she pulled Brittany forward into another kiss. Santana could feel her walls tighten and so did Brittany, Brittany pulled out of the kiss and watched Santana. "Fuck.I'm .. Brittany." She was so close, Brittany quickened and her pace and Santana lost it, She dug her nails into Brittany's shoulder and screamed out her name, She felt Brittany's free hand suddenly move to her mouth to keep her quiet and she heard Brittany laugh. Santana had to bite the palm of Brittany's hand as she came over Brittany's fingers, Brittany winced slightly, but kept her hand in place.

Brittany slowed her pace while Santana came down from her orgasm. Santana lost all her energy and let her arms flop down onto the bed next to her. Brittany placed on last, light kiss on Santana's lips before falling onto the bed next to her, slightly out of breath herself. After a few minutes Santana finally got her energy back, so she quickly flipped over to straddle Brittany, "Your turn."

Santana laid on her side in Brittany's bed, watching Brittany sleep. It was the first time she had done this, she didn't even know why she was doing it, but she wondered why she hadn't done it before. Santana thought Brittany looked beautiful when she slept, but not as beautiful as when she was awake, not as beautiful as when she was laughing or asking some ridiculous question. Santana moved forward and kissed Brittany's forehead, "I love you." Santana pulled back quickly, eyes wide. Why did she just say that? But it was true, if she thought about, why had she only realized? Santana was completely freaked out. She got up quickly, putting her clothes back on as fast as she could and ran out the room and out the house.

Santana was bought back to the real world when Liam came inside her. She would give anything to be back there, that night, with Brittany. She would give anything to have had the courage to stay and tell Brittany how she felt right at the moment, but she was weak.

Liam got off her and started to walk away, as a he walked into the kitchen he said, "Wipe the tears of your face. I'm doing you a favor, you should be happy."

About half an hour later Liam walked into the living where Santana was sitting on the sofa. "Santana." Liam had to say it again before Santana snapped out of her thoughts. "I need you to give me a lift to the Lima Bean."

"Can't you go by yourself?" Santana saw a window of opportunity, if he went by his self she could get her stuff a go, but Liam grabbed her by the arm and pulled her up towards the door, "Just get in the car and take me to The Bean."

"I need to get changed first." She pulled herself from his grip, "I've been wearing these clothes for nearly 2 days. Where's my stuff?" Liam pointed towards the bedroom which she went to without hesitation.

Once Santana was changed she looked through her stuff to make sure nothing was taken. She found her purse at the bottom of the black bin liner full of clothes, along with the jewelry box her Abeula gave her and a few photo's she had taken from her wall. She put it all in her handbag, deciding they were the important things and she could buy new clothes if she had to make a run for it.

Santana parked the car in the car park at the opposite end to the Lima Bean, as Liam instructed. "That guy over there," Liam pointed towards the a man in his car opposite them, "I need to talk to him, in the car, this car. So why don't you go inside and get yourself a coffee while I get us some rent money." He was really talking down to her, if it was anyone else Santana would go all Lime Heights, but she was genuinely scared of this guy. She was about to open the door when she saw Puck walking across the car park. Liam noticed, "Whose that?"

"Err...Just a guy I go to school with." She went to open the door again but he stopped her.

"Did you date him?" Santana saw a bit of jealousy in Liam, but then she realized it was only because Liam felt like he owned Santana. "Err...sort of, I suppose." Then before Santana could even reach for the handle Liam pulled her into the kiss. Santana kept her eyes open and glanced sideways to see Puck looking right at them. Liam noticed Santana wasn't returning the kiss so put and hand on the back of her neck, grabbing it hard and forcing her to return it. This time Liam opened his, to see Puck had moved on and was walking through the door of the Lima Bean. So he put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away. "Go get a coffee."

Santana walked out of the Lima Bean, still feeling flustered after her run in with Puck. She looked over to her car and Liam was still talking to that guy in her car. Then it hit, she could go, she could run. She had all the important things and some money. But where would she go. Oh, she didn't care, she had to get away from him. So she ran.

Santana's immediate reaction was to go home, but then she remembered it wasn't her home anymore. Santana was walking down the road when a car pulled beside her, she picked up her pace and heard the door of the car shut. She felt hand grab her arm and pull her into an alley. "So you thought you were just going to run did you?" Liam held Santana against the wall. She wasn't like this, she was strong, she never let anybody control her like this. Santana suddenly felt a surge of adrenaline and kicked Liam in the crotch.

She soon regretted that decision as she tried to away Liam grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back. He pushed her against the wall again and hit her full on in the face, causing her to hit her head against the wall behind her and fall to the ground. The pain in her head was making Santana feel physically sick. She could feel hot blood on her face, but the pain was everywhere so she couldn't tell where it was coming from. Liam towered over, pulling her up by her hair. "I'm sorry. Please." She begged, Santana actually feared for her life. Then she heard a clatter from further down the alley. "Hey! What are you doing?" She heard footsteps coming towards her, "Leave that girl alone." Liam pushed Santana back to floor, angrily and ran back to her car. Santana felt someone bend down next her. "Are you okay, darling?" She turned towards the middle aged man next to her.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to go home." Santana tried standing up but wavered slightly. She immediately felt two hands on her side to stop her from falling. "Let me give you a lift back, to be honest I think you should to go hospital."

"I'm fine honestly, I live just down the road." She wasn't lying, she did live down the road, but she couldn't got there. The man pulled a towel off his shoulder, Santana noticed now that he was clad in and apron and looked very much like a chef. He put the towel over the top of her right eye, she pulled back slightly as she felt pain shoot through her, "I'm fine, I just need to get home." Santana started to walk away but just as she was about to round the corner, "Thank you, for stopping him." He gave a small smile and she walked away, feeling like she might pass out at any second.

Santana had been walking for about five minutes, hand clutching the back of her head, which was still bleed, blood still dripped down her cheek, people stared at her as she walked past. Santana came to a stop, leaning against the wall, as she suddenly felt like she was going to pass out. "Are you okay?" a woman asked her. Then everything went black.

**please please please please please please please leave some reviews and let me know what you think, i like know whats going on in your head, it doesn't necessarily have to have anything to with the story, but yeah tell me what you think xxx **


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello new people! thank you to everyone who s added to this their alert, you amazing! **

**firstly: I just want to say she will not be pregnant. No. just no. **

**secondly: this is longer than normal, when it comes to ch 9 i want to try and make that even longer, so i hope this is better **

**thirdly: thank you for all the reviews! **

**so enjoy ...**

Mr. Shue sat in his office at lunch marking some spanish papers. He sighed as he had to fail yet another student. He moved the paper to the side and went to mark the next paper, he looked at the name at the top, _Santana Lopez. _All her answers were correct, obviously, he knew Santana was only taking Spanish because she would definitely get an A. He smiled when he saw a comment Santana had written at the end, _Come on Buttchin, you can make it harder than this. It's almost as easy as Puckerman. _Mr. Shue threw his pen on the desk and put his head in his hands.

How could this be happening? He had always cared about the glee club, the kids had become his family, and each others. He thought he noticed when things were bad for one of them. _Thought._ He noticed when FInn was struggling, or Rachel, or Quinn, but not Santana. She was strong and bitchy, but he never took a moment to step back and look at why she was that way. Obviously now he thought about it, it all fitted into place, but now was too late.

After a few minutes Becky came into his office, "Figgins wants to see you in his office, now." Without saying another word Becky turned on her heals and walked away.

He walked into Figgins office, "William, please sit down."

"What's going on?" Mr. Shue questioned as he sat down on the rather uncomfortable chair in front of Figgins' desk. "It's about Santana?" Mr. Shue blurted out, Figgins sat back in his chair, his elbows resting on the arms."Do you know where she is?" Mr. Shue said sitting up in his chair slightly, in anticipation. After realizing that he hadn't been a good teacher or friend, (as he sometimes thought he was to the glee kids), by not realizing the pain and hurt Santana must have been going through, he was just desperate to get Santana back and help her.

"I just had a call from the hospital." Mr. Shue's eyes bulged. Hospital? For a split second Mr. Shue thought that maybe Santana had done it, taken her self harm to the next level. Figgins sensed his panic and quickly carried on, "They had a girl bought in not long ago, who is fine, they _think_ it's Santana, they're not sure though. She won't tell them her name but they found a photo of her with two other girls in cheerios uniforms, two blond girls."

"Quinn and Brittany." Mr. Shue stood up from the chair and headed for the door. "Get someone to cover me this afternoon."

"William where are you going?" Figgins stood from his desk.

"I have to go get her. Just get a sub for me this afternoon." Then Mr. Shue ran from the office.

"Just get off me! I have to get out of here!" Mr. Schue could hear as he rounded the corner and turned see Santana fighting off a nurse. "Please, miss, calm down. You can go as soon as someone comes to collect you. We have already called your school as been as you won't give us your name, they're sending someone over to get you as we speak." The nurse tried to force Santana to sit back onto the bed, but Santana held her ground and refused to move. Mr. Schue found himself slowing his pace, wanting to hear what Santana was going to say next. "Thats the fucking point! I need to get out of here before they get here. Just get the fuck out my way." Santana pushed the nurses hands off her and stormed towards the exit.

She immediately stopped when she saw Mr. Schue blocking her path. Her first reaction was panic, which didn't go unnoticed by her spanish teacher. Calming herself slightly, pushing all her emotion back behind the defense walls she so often used, she turned to the nurse, "Look," Santana pointed to Mr. Shue behind her, "Someone is here to pick me up, can I go now?" When the nurse didn't say anything Santana got impatient, and did the famous Santana eye roll, "Jesus fucking christ."

"Santana!" Santana turned back to Mr. Schue but her gaze was pulled away from him, looking over his shoulder. Santana's dad walked out of the elevator and too the reception desk. Santana felt the wall cracking, he looked the same, exactly the same. Santana had expected, wait, hoped, he would be different, miserable, but no, he even had a smile on his face. Mr. Shue had noticed Santana trying to hold back tears and followed her gaze and saw her father, "Santana." His voice was soft and he moved forward to place a reassuring hand on her shoulder. Santana was pulled from her thoughts, "Can you just get me out of here?" Santana looked at Mr. Schue with pleading eyes.

As they walked out the hospital Santana picked up her pace, trying to get away from Mr. Schue, she didn't want to talk about it, she would never want to talk about, but he pulled her back by her arm. "Let go of me." Santana snapped and pulled her arm from his grip.

"Santana you can't keep doing this. You can't keep blocking people out. You have to let them help you."

"I don't _have_ to do anything. But if you really want someone to help me, go in there and tell my dad, because he should be helping me, right? He should be by my side stopping all of this shit." Santana saw Mr. Shue look at her with pity and it just made her feel so much worse, "No. No, don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like you feel sorry for me. I don't want peoples help. I have spent the majority of my life looking after myself, I don't need you or Quinn or Brittany," her voice faltered slightly at the mention of Brittany's name, "I don't need you telling me how to sort my shit out. And who the fuck needs people to care about them anyway, it only makes things worse when they leave you. I've practically hated my parents for the last 17 years, but I would still do anything to get them to love me again, I'm still going to do anything. I can still be normal again."

Santana moved her hand to wipe away the tears she had only just noticed falling down her cheek. She hadn't meant to cry, she felt so stupid, she never cried in front of anybody, it was all part of her strong façade. Mr. Shue walked towards her, without hesitation, pulling her towards him and wrapping his arm around her. Santana rested her head on his chest while she allowed her self to let out the tears she had been holding back. Mr. Schue couldn't help but get teary eyed himself. Placing his hand on the back of her head, he calmed her down.

The drive to Mckinley was silent as Santana stared out the window, knees tucked tightly against her chest. Mr. Schue had decided to let Santana calm for a few minutes before he started asking about where she had been and how she ended up in hospital. "Is that all you've got?" He pointed towards Santana bag. Santana didn't move an inch and stayed silent. "Where are your clothes?" He knew she took them because her cupboards were empty. Santana moved her hand over her bag, which was on the seat next to her, "It's all I need." He voice was slightly croaky from all the crying but Mr. Schue just about heard it.

"Well, we will have to at least find you another to top when we get to McKinley, yours is covered in blood." Santana rolled her eyes, knowing where this was leading. "So, what happened? Where have you been?"

"Around." she really didn't want to talk about it just yet, especially with Mr. Shue.

"Thats it. Around." Mr. Schue turned into the parking lot at McKinley, "We've been worried sick, Santana."

"Do the others know?" Mr. Schue couldn't help but think that wasn't important at the moment, the important thing was to find find what had happened to her, but he sighed and answered anyway, "Obviously Quinn knows. But the others only know you were missing not why." Santana felt a little relieved, she didn't want people knowing everything else, especially Brittany. She wanted to be able to talk to Brittany herself, to explain.

Mr. Schue turned off the engine and turned to face Santana, "Please talk to me, Santana. You can't keep it bottled up. It will kill you." Santana continued to stare out the window.

"Maybe thats for the best." she breathed, but Mr. Schue heard and his face turned to anger. "No. No, that is never the for the best. Don't you ever talk like that. Is that how you feel? Do you want to die?" Santana wiped a tear from her cheek, and turned to Mr. Schue.

"I...No, I-I don't think ... No, It's ... It's just been a shit few days, my heads been all over the place."

"What happened?" Santana turned away again.

"Look, I don't want to do this right now but I swear, as soon as I'm ready to talk I will." Santana gave him a reassuring smile.

"Come inside, the guys will want to know you're okay. You won't have to go to lessons."

...

Santana slowly opened her eyes, she was currently lying on a bed in the nurses office, Mr. Shue had left her there to get some sleep while he 'sorted stuff out'.

"Hey, hot stuff." Santana turned her head and saw Miss Holiday sitting on the side of the bed, "Not going to lie, the war wounds are kinda sexy." Holly winked at her, she knew Holly was only trying to help but she wasn't in a very cheerful mood right now, instead she just stared up at the ceiling. "I hear you've had a bit of a rough time of it." Santana's gaze snapped to Holly, and Holly moved closer to Santana putting her hand over Santana's, seeing the panic in her face, "Hey. Calm down. No one has said anything, The Schuster just told me you went missing for a bit and you haven't been you yourself lately. He thought you might want to talk to a sensible female, but Ms Pillsbury's gone home, so you're stuck with me."

Santana pulled herself up and sat on the bed crossed legged, preparing herself. Holly picked up some cotton wool and dipped in it the cup of water that was on a table next to the bed. Santana had been in her own world and jumped when Holly started to wipe some of the dry blood from her cheek. "So come on, how did you get these sexy war wounds?" she asked as she carried on wiping blood from her face.

"It's a long story." She sighed, not looking directly at Holly, fearing if she made eye contact, the tall blonde would know how much pain she was in.

"I've got all day." Holly said, matter-of-factly. Santana sighed, it needed to happen sometime, she would rather it was Quinn sitting there, but Santana felt like she could tell Holly she had murdered a unicorn and it wouldn't shock her.

"I don't even know where to start," Santana could already feel tears stinging her eyes, "You probably know my parents chucked me out." Holly simply nodded and let her continue, "I didn't know where to go, I had already told Quinn everything was fine, and Brittany ..." Santana trailed off, she didn't have to tell Holly all the details, "I just didn't have anywhere to go. I ended up in some shit hole of a bar ..."

Santana told Holly everything that happened, a few tears falling down her cheeks, not once making eye contact with her. Holly kept quiet, seeing how hard it was for Santana and couldn't help the tears filling her eyes. "Then when I woke up I was in hospital, I don't even remember how I got there."

"Santana, you should have come to one of us, I know I act like a kid most of the time, but I'm here, and so's Will and Glee club." Santana bought her legs up and rested her chin on her knees, a few tears escaped and fell down her cheeks.

To be honest, she felt like and idiot. Glee club were constantly talking about how they were a family and they stuck up for each other, Why didn't she just go to one of them? But, then again, Santana had never felt a part of that family. Brittany was the only one that liked her, the others just put up with her, for Brittany's sake. They even preferred Quinn to her and before Glee club Quinn was making them miserable just as much as Santana. She was only there for Brittany, but now Brittany didn't need her there, she probably did even want her there.

Before Santana had the chance to reply they both heard the door open into the nurses office, the other side of the curtain. "Santana?" At the sound of Quinn's voice, Santana quickly wiped the tears from eyes and turned to stare at the wall, keeping her legs tucked against her chest. Santana could not let people see her cry. Santana heard the sound of the curtain being pulled back behind her. She wasn't going to turn around, she wasn't going to let Quinn see what had happened to her. She heard Quinn's determined steps make their way towards her. Suddenly she felt, what she assumed was Quinn's hand, hit her hard across the top of her arm, but she didn't even flinch, just continued to stare at a spot she had found the wall, fighting the need to turn around and kick Quinn skinny, white girl arse.

"Where the hell have been? I've been going out of my mind. I thought you had done something stupid." Still Santana stared at the spot on the wall, the only way she could keep everything out was to look at every bit of detail on the spot. She noticed more than one person had scratched their initials to the wall, obviously bored, but not so bored they would go back to class. Hers and Brittany's were on the other wall, she wanted to look at it but it would mean having to face Quinn and whoever else was with her, if anyone was with her.

"I don't think now is the time, Quinn" Holly moved and sat back on the chair next to Santana, giving her a reassuring smile. Santana was glad Holly was there, she was scared that she would build her walls back up and start making some snarking comments about Quinn, and just be a general bitch.

"No. It is the time. I thought you were going to hurt yourself again, or worse." Santana squeezed her eyes shut, and it was like she could feel Quinn tense up behind her, knowing she had said to much.

"Again?" She heard two voices, one she knew was Holly's and the other made her snap her head round to find it's source. She met blue eyes, blue eyes that had slightly lost their sparkle, and Santana knew its was her fault. Santana felt the urge to hurt herself, punish herself. She folded her arms so she could discretely dig her nails into her forearm, using as much pressure as she could without drawing attention to it. It did make her feel slightly better, like the thoughts of the pain in her arm pushed other thoughts out.

Quinn stopped tensing as her face turned to shock. She grabbed Santana's face to inspect the cuts on her forehead, "Oh my god, you did, didn't you? You did it again." Santana pulled herself from Quinn's grip, finding her spot on the wall again, resting her head on her knees, still digging her nails into her arm, "I didn't do it to myself."

"Why would you do it to yourself, I don't understand?" Santana could almost hear the tears start to fall from Brittany's eyes, then she felt her own eyes sting with tears. There was a long silence before Brittany spoke again, "Will someone please tell me whats going on and stop treating me like an idiot." Santana felt a pang of guilt, applying more pressure where her nails were. She winced as she felt it break the skin and warmth of blood start to spread. This didn't go unnoticed by Quinn, but she could see how distressed Brittany was, so placed her hand on Santana's arm, pushing Santana's hand away and covering the three small cuts.

Brittany hated seeing Santana like this, hated her looking so small, hated not being able to run over to her, wrap her arms around her and kiss her forehead like she did when Santana had cried before. Brittany knew it was a privilege to see Santana cry, a strange kind of privilege, but a privilege none the less. Santana would never cry in front of Quinn or any one, not even her parents, so she knew that Santana being able to cry in front her meant something.

Santana hated seeing Brittany like this, hated Brittany feeling like others thought she was stupid, hated seeing her sad. Brittany was hardly ever sad, it was very rare and normally because she had had a fight with Lord Tubbingtons. But on the rare occasion she was sad Santana was the one to cheer her up, was the one that was there for her to wipe the tears from her eyes. Before she exploded with guilt, Santana decided it had to be now.

Santana cleared her throat and wiped away her tears with the pad of her thumb, "Can I talked to Britt for a second ... alone." Quinn couldn't help but smile, she was almost certain Santana was about to tell Brittany how she felt and knew it could make things so much better. But as she drew her hand back from Santana's arm, feeling the warmth of blood on her hand, she couldn't help but think it could also make things ten times worse.

Once Quinn and Holly had left, Brittany moved slowly towards the bed, resting the urges she had before, because even though she had seen Santana cry before, it was never like this. Santana sat up straight and shifted her legs so she was sat crossed legged, leaving room for Brittany to sit down. Brittany sat down she pulled her legs up onto the bed and sat crossed legged as well, opposite Santana, knees touching, like they always did. Santana took a deep breath preparing herself, _you promised her you would explain, you can't break your promise, _she told herself. Meanwhile Brittany was also preparing herself, _it's going to fine, it won't be as bad as you think._

"The thing is Britt," she moved her gaze down to her lap, "I've been finding things kind of hard lately. I've been having trouble ... dealing with ... my feelings ... feelings for you. I've found it hard admitting it to myself ... but I think I have to accept ... that I love you." She kept her head down, eyes tight shut, not wanting to see Brittany's reaction. Then she felt Brittany's hand under her chin, pulling her head so she would look at her, but she refused to open her eyes.

"Look at me." still, Santana wouldn't open her eyes, "Santana, look at me." Brittany ordered. Taking a deep breath, Santana opened her eyes to see Brittany's bright smile beaming back at her. Santana's brow furrowed in confusion and Brittany let out a small laugh, "Santana, I've been waiting for you to say that since sweet lady kiss number 27." Santana couldn't help but smile, she was still confused though.

"You count our sweet lady kisses?" Brittany nodded proudly, "So what number are we on now?"

"229." Brittany said matter-of-factly, but then she decided she needed to be serious, even though she had known how Santana felt and was beyond happy that she had finally admitted. "But why are so scared, San? You're my best friend, you can tell me anything."

"Thats the thing, Britt, I don't want to be your best friend." Brittany's smile left her and hurt took it's place, "No. No, Britt, that came out wrong. I want to be your best friend but I also want to be with you. I don't want to just have sex sometimes and then you run of for a date with wheels. I want all of you, because I love you." Santana wiped away the few tears that had started to fall down her cheek.

Brittany took both Santana's hands in hers, "Santana, I love you too, and I would totally be with you if it wasn't for Artie." Santana pulled her hands back and looked at Brittany with confusion, "Artie? But you just said you love me?" Santana couldn't help but shift slightly so there was a bit of space between her a Brittany. The blond noticed that they were no longer touching, and it hurt slightly but she pushed those feeling back for now."I do love you, but I don't want to hurt his feelings." Santana jumped to her feet in anger and Brittany followed, trying to grab her arm. "So you want to hurt mine instead?" Her face screwed up as she tried to hold the tears back, unsuccessfully. Brittany tried to speak but she was cut of, "How is it I'm never anyones first choice?"

"San, What are you talking about?"

Santana had always felt second best. Puck dated her for a while, but essentially he was using her for sex and popularity. Santana was using him as way to prove she was straight but that didn't mean she didn't want him to care. She had also always seen the way he looked at Quinn when they were juniors, he cared so much about her, so he would even rather have been screwing her instead of Santana. Then the next year he found Zizzies, and once again she was pushed to the side and dismissed like she literally meant nothing to him. Quinn cared about finn and her baby and he popularity, constantly beating Santana at everything. And the rest of glee club would just rather she didn't exist. Brittany was the one person who made her feel special and important, and now even that was gone.

"Everyone always has something better. My parents have their fucking hospital and their reputation. Puck didn't want me, he wanted Quinn. Finn just wanted to loose his V-card and Frodo's too firdgid. Sam was just pissed 'cause Quinn had cheated on him. And you want Artie. No body wants me. Just me." She sounded so defeated and she felt it, sinking down the wall to the floor pulling her legs to her chest.

"Santana," Brittany said with authority in her voice, Brittany had always wanted Santana, always. And she really hated having to tell her she couldn't be with her. "You are my first choice, and I love you more than anything or anyone-"

"So break up with him, be with me." Santana pleaded.

"I want to, San," Brittany sat against the wall next to her, "I really want to. But ... I can't hurt him."

"Fine!" Santana stood up and went to leave, "You obviously don't give a shit about me so forget it. Forget this ever happened."

"Santana." Brittany tried to stop her but Santana pulled the curtain back. It was obvious Quinn, Holly and, now, Mr. Schue had heard every word, because the looks she met were full of pity, she hated it. "Santana, please." Brittany's voice was breaking as she started to sob. Santana ignored it, trying to block it out, as she ran out the door and down the hall.

Quinn and Mr. Schue caught her up, "Santana, wait." She didn't turn to face them, but slowed her pace and continued up the hall.

"Just ... let me be alone ... just for a minute, I need to be alone." She walked straight out the front doors and out into the fresh air.

She felt humiliated, she had shown them her one weakness and there was no way of taking it back, like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. Why did she have to open her big mouth. She could handle seeing Brittany with someone else, just, but being rejected by her ... she just couldn't handle. But she loves her, she said she loved her, but she still wouldn't be with her, that only made her feel worse. To know that if she had just done it sooner, it she'd grown some balls and told as soon as she knew herself, that night, in Brittany's bed, things would be so different.

After sitting on the top step outside the front doors of McKinley for about 10 minuets Quinn sat down next to Santana. "You okay?" Quinn wasn't really expecting Santana to be okay but she didn't know what else to say.

"No, not really." Santana continued to star in front of her, her face void of all emotion.

"Santana, you know Brittany. She just wants everyone to be happy, she just doesn't know how ... she's not doing it to hurt you, in fact thats the opposite of what she wants ... she just doesn't know what to do." Quinn was practically begging Santana to understand Brittany's reasoning, but Santana's face was still blank.

"You don't have to explain, I get Brittany. In fact I don't know why all of a sudden you feel like you understand her better than me. I'm the only one who has ever fully understood Brittany, everyone else just laughed at her and called her stupid. She has never been stupid."

Quinn couldn't help the tear that fell down her cheek, even after being rejected, even after spilling her heart out only to have it broken, Santana still stuck up for her Britt. "I do get it, Quinn. It's just going to be hard. But I think it's better like this." Quinn wiped the tear from her cheek as he brow furrowed in confusion.

"I don't get it. Why is this better?" Santana brought her knees closer to her chest. Now she had to do it again, let her guard down and be honest.

"If she had said 'fuck Cripples, I want you.' I still wouldn't have been able to be her girlfriend, like a proper girlfriend. I would have hidden and only kissed her behind closed doors or held her hand under desks. I can't be open about this yet, I'm not strong enough to handle the stares and the name calling. I'm scared Quinn."

**... so she opened up, yay! **

**umm just wanted to say, i know i said i would update every monday evening (british time) but, I really have to get my college work done, like really really. I have one week to get most of my work finished then an exhibition and i need to get it done. sooo give me 2/3 weeks and then i will be back. **

**again please leave reviews and tell what you think! x**


	9. Chapter 9

**It's here. It's finally done. Chapter 9. **

**Sorry for the wait, like really really sorry. and I know I said end of the week but I went to the Harry potter studio tour on friday (just thought i would drop that in there). **

**So yeah, here it is ... enjoy ...**

Over the next few days Santana built her walls back up and recoiled back into her head bitch mode. After exposing herself so much, admitting she was scared to Quinn and spilling her heart out Brittany, she promised herself she wouldn't let it happen again. Within 5 days she'd had 28 students covered in slushies, including the hobbit, finnocence, and cripples (twice), she'd gotten 14 students thrown in the dumpster outside school, (obviously she didn't do these herself, she didn't want to break a nail) and 2 girls thrown off the cheerios. Quinn had attempted 12 'heart to heart' talks, Brittany had left 42 texts and 16 voicemails and Mr. Schue a tried to talk to her after Glee club everyday.

On the friday afternoon Santana was late to practice and most of the glee club had grown tired of Santana and her 'antics', it was Rachel who decided to bring it up. "My fellow Glee clubbers, I think it's time we talked about the elephant in the room."

"Dumbo?" Brittany said from her seat at the back next to Quinn.

"No, Brittany. Santana. She's been reeking havoc in halls of Mckinley again, granted there was a small break, but she's back to making our lives miserable and I, for one feel we-" before she could continue Santana walked into the choir room, 2 slushies in hand, evil smirk on her face.

"Santana, don't do anything stupid." Mr. Schue warned, he understood that she was having a hard time at the moment but he couldn't allow her to continue this destruction, but Santana continued walking through the choir room.

Everyone flinched as she got closer to them, but her eyes were only one person. Santana stop when she stood in front of Quinn and Brittany, smirk still in place. Everyone relaxed slightly knowing Santana would never do anything to Brittany, or so they thought. "So far I haven't got my hands dirty throwing these over losers, but as most of these guys know," Santana looked round at the rest of the club, "you guys are _very _special to me. So I thought I would make an exception." Everyones eyes went wide, apart from Quinn who squeezed her eyes tight shut in preparation. Where as Brittany, she kept her teary eyes locked with Santana's and for a brief second, just before bright blue ice was dumped over her head, she saw guilt and pain looking back at her.

Puck was the first stand and shoved Santana's shoulder pushing her away from the two girls who bared a resemblance to smurfs. "What the hell are doing?" He practically shouted.

"Oh please, you can't judge me puckerman, you've been throwing these losers into the garbage and giving them slushy facials since you learnt how to spell. You of all people can't have a go at me." Santana stood her ground, smirk never leaving her face.

"He might not be able to but I can." Brittany stood up next behind Puck, and Santana's eyes went wide along with most people in the room. Brittany walked around Puck, put her hands on Santana's arms.

Santana wanted to pull away, well, wanted to have the strength to pull away, but she had missed Brittany, though she would never admit it. "I know you're scared-" Santana pushed Brittany's arms off her.

"I don't get scared, I'm Santana fucking Lopez. The last time I was scared was when I took Finn's v-card and I thought I was going to get crushed to death by his giant man boobs."

"Don't do this. Don't go back to hiding behind head bitch just because you're scared. Especially not with me, it's never worked before and it won't work now."

"Oh why don't you go watch Disney movie or something and stop acting like you give a shit about me."

And with that Santana walked out the choir. "Oh god," Kurt said, still frozen, standing at the front of the room, "If Britt can't calm her down, we're screwed."

...

Brittany spent the rest of the day with Quinn, after Santana admitted she loved her she was finding it hard to be around Artie without feeling guilty. They were sitting with the Glee club at lunch time, everyones eyes kept falling to the table the other side of the room where Santana sat with the cheerios. Brittany watched her laughing and shouting abuse at other students, but she had seen that laugh many times and she saw right through it.

Santana would occasionally chance a glance at Brittany, smile never quite reaching her eyes. Brittany just wanted to run over to the table and hug her and tell everything would be okay, even though she wasn't entirely sure it would be herself.

"Brittany." Brittany was pulled from her thoughts and turned to find Artie next to her. "Can we talk?"

From across the cafeteria Santana watched as Brittany and Artie left together, and for the first time in days she allowed her smile to faultier. Even after rejection and finally knowing nothing could ever happen with them, it still obviously pained her to see her with someone else.

Santana looked around the room when she felt like she was being watched. She locked eyes with Quinn and quickly pulled her lips back into a smirk and carried on taunting other students.

Quinn carried on watching Santana, she understood why Santana had dumped a slushy over her head but that wasn't going to stop her trying to talk to her.

"Don't feel sorry for her." Puck said from the seat next to her.

"Why not?" Quinn couldn't help but feel slightly angry at the rest of club for assuming this was just Santana being regular Santana, not even thinking that maybe theres a reason for it.

"Maybe because she slushied you and Brittany today. Maybe because she's been making our lives miserable. Maybe because she had Artie thrown in the dumpster outside school this morning." Quinn let out a small laugh, a normal person would cry and eat shit loads of ice cream after being rejected but not Santana, she gets the boyfriend of the person loves thrown in the trash. She looked around and noticed that the rest of glee club had become apart of the conversation and were all slightly shocked that she found it amusing.

"Listen, none of you know what Santana's going through so just give her a break."

Meanwhile Brittany and Artie had found and empty classroom to talk. "Whats going on with you, Brittany?"

"Well, I just ate pizza with dots on for lunch, it tasted really good. I think i'm going to call Domino's and order them to add it to the menu."

Brittany knew he was talking about Santana but she still felt so guilty and every time she looked at him she couldn't help but think she was being so stupid for staying with him. She didn't love Artie, Of course she didn't. He didn't make her feel the same way Santana did. It wasn't the cliche feeling, the butterflies in her stomach or her heart beating every time she looked at her, it was none of that. Brittany just wanted to be with her all the time, and kiss her when she wanted, hold her hand when they went to park, look after her when she was sad. When she was with Santana she felt like she didn't need anyone else. She loved Santana, she had since they were 15.

The image of a broken Santana sitting in the nurses office flashed through Brittany's head, making her feel ten times more guilty than she already did.

As Artie went on some rant about her and Santana and how he felt unloved, Brittany couldn't help but let her mind wonder...

_It was Christmas eve and Brittany sat on her bed, a small wrapped up box in front of her. Santana had called her about 5 minutes ago, saying she was on her way. It was a tradition that started when they were 7, on Christmas eve Santana would go over to Brittany's house, exchange presents with Brittany, and have a semi christmas dinner with her parents and sister. _

_This year was slightly different for Brittany though, she had started develop more than friendly feelings for her best friend. It wasn't a sudden 'oh my god I love her' thing, it was gradual. Started out as a little crush when she was 13, then a big crush when they were 14, then she started to realize it was probably more when she got jealous when she heard Santana had lost her virginity a few months ago. _

_Brittany had started running down stairs as soon as she heard the door bell, "I got it mom!" Mrs. Pierce just laughed, she knew better than to answer the door to her daughter best friend. _

"_Hey!" Brittany practically shouted._

"_Hi." Santana replied, with a forced smile. Brittany knew something was wrong straight away, it was something she had been able to do since they met, it had always pissed Santana off. _

_Santana, still standing on the front step, quickly wiped a tear from her face, hoping Brittany wouldn't notice. Of course she did and soon enough pulled Santana into a hug, Santana tried to fight it but had to give in and started sobbing violently into Brittany's shoulder. This was the first time Brittany had ever seen Santana cry. This wasn't how things worked, Brittany was the one that cried and Santana was the one that protected her, thats the way it had always been, but Brittany decided to let things change, let it be her protecting for once. To say she liked it was probably using the wrong word, but she sort of did._

_Brittany knew that she saw a different, kinder side to Santana that nobody else did, but seeing her like this made Brittany think she had now seen Santana completely. She had seen the bitchy, nasty side, the kind, gentle side, and now the sad side. _

"_Why is Tana crying?" Brittany looked over her shoulder to see her 7 year old sister, Hannah, standing at the bottom of the stairs. _

"_I don't know," Brittany whispered, so as not to scare the girl sobbing in her arms, "Go in the kitchen." the little blond did as she was told and ran off into the kitchen. _

_Brittany pulled back, trying to calm Santana as much as she could. "What happened, sweetie?" Brittany wiped the tears away from Santana's cheeks as she heard soft footsteps on the carpet behind her. _

"_A-Abuelo ... My Abuelo ... h-he's gone." and with that, Santana once again fell to Brittany's shoulder sobbing._

"_Oh, San." Brittany wrapped her arms tightly around Santana's back, "It's going to be okay, lets go upstairs." Brittany felt the Latina nod slightly against her shoulder and turned them around to see her mum standing in the kitchen doorway. 'you okay' her mom mouthed, not wanting to scare Santana. _

_It was the first time she had seen Santana cry as well, not even when the girl was 8 and fell of the climbing frame in the park and broke her arm did she cry. Santana had become a third daughter to Mrs. Pierce and her husband since her daughter spent so much time with them from the age of 5, so seeing Santana like this made Mrs. Pierce not only shocked but also bought a tear to her eye. _

_Mrs. Pierce watched as they both walked up the stairs and disappeared into Brittany's room. _

_Brittany sat down on her bed, back resting against the headboard, pulling Santana down next to her and into her arms. The Latina curled up into Brittany, tucking her head under Brittany's chin. Brittany knew she didn't need anything, at least not for now, she just needed to let Santana cry and get it out her system. _

_After half an hour or so Santana managed to calm down and pulled herself from Brittany's arms to sit next to her against the headboard. _

"_I' m sorry." Santana said, barely above a whisper, keeping her eyes on her lap._

"_Hey, what the hell are sorry for? You don't have to apologize." Brittany said, taking Santana's hand._

"_Yeah I do." Santana the dry tears from her cheeks, "It's Christmas eve, you were probably all excited and I come over like this."_

"_Don't be silly." Brittany paused, thinking of a way she could try and make Santana feel better, "Hey. You know what my mum does when I'm upset 'cause I hurt myself." Brittany turns on the bed, facing Santana, crossed legged._

"_What?" Santana moves to sit in the same position opposite her. _

"_She kisses it better." Santana lets out a small laugh._

"_Thanks Brit, but I don't know how you could kiss this better." _

"_Like this." Brittany learned forward and gave Santana a Soft, innocent kiss, she may have lingered on her lips a bit longer than necessary but she couldn't stop herself. As soon as she felt their lips touch her eyes fluttered close and she felt a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach. _

_When she pulled back Santana's eyes were still closed and she had hold back the urge to lean in and kiss her again. "Better?" Brittany said, slightly nervous. _

_This seemed to pull Santana back out of her thoughts because her eyes snapped open, she nodded slightly, staring at Brittany. _

"_Yeah it did." Santana whispered whilst grabbing the back of Brittany's neck and pulling her into a hungry kiss._

"Brittany? Britt, are you even listening to me? I think if Santana isn't talking to you, you should just leave her be. Get out while you can." Artie looked slightly angry that Brittany had let her mind wonder whilst he was trying to have a serious conversation.

"I can't do that." Brittany said matter-of-factly, "I love her." She said it as if she had always been saying it, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to be telling your current boyfriend you were in love with your best friend.

"What? No, Brittany, you don't love her, she's manipulating you. She's using you. Why can't you see that."

Why did everyone think Santana was a bad person? Why did know ever take the opportunity to get to know Santana? All it needed was a bit of patience, to let her act like a bit of a bitch to for a little while and not let it effect you. It's what happened when she first Santana. Santana would steal her pencils, make fun of her because of her hair. But it only lasted a week or so because Brittany let it go over her head and kept being her nice normal self. After she had worn her down she saw Santana, the real Santana. The Glee club just had to give her a bit of time.

"God. I am so stupid. Everyone in this club constantly talks about supporting each other and being a family, when all everyones done is call her a bitch and leave her out. You know nothing about her life, so why do you think you have the right to judge her. I can't be with you anymore, I love her, because I do, not because she made me, or because she's using me, but because I want to."

...

After lunch Santana decided she'd had enough and walked out the front door to McKinley, not going anywhere in particular. Since her parents chucked Santana had been staying at Quinn's, reluctantly. So she went there first and changed out of her Cheerio's uniform ready to go for a night out, but it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon, no where would be open.

So, Santana did what did every time she found herself with time to think, she locked the door to the guest room she had been living in and pulled out the shard of mirror hid amongst the few clothes she had.

...

Quinn walked towards her car in the parking lot outside McKinley, only to find a familiar blond waiting for her.

"Hey, Britt." Brittany looked up at Quinn without her usual smile gracing her face.

"Hi. Can I have a lift home. Artie said he wouldn't give me a lift because I broke up with him." Quinn tried really hard to not let the small smile that was forcing it way out of her show. At least now Santana would be a bit happier.

Quinn took Brittany home and Mrs. Pierce invited her in for dinner, she would have said no but Brittany looked so down she couldn't bring herself to do it.

After dinner Quinn and Brittany went up to her bedroom and had very long conversation as to wether or not Santana would at least let Brittany talk to her. Brittany wasn't so sure but Quinn was, Quinn was certain Santana would jump right into the other blonds arms, so told Brittany to come back home with her.

It was a good job it was saturday tomorrow because it was 11:34 by the time they got home.

"Santana's probably upstairs, in the guest room." Quinn said as she ascended the stairs.

When Quinn opened the guest room door, she was really not prepared for what she saw. She tried to stop Brittany from coming in but it was too late, she had already seen.

Santana laid naked on the bed underneath a blond, who was just as naked and biting on her neck. Santana was panting heavily and, despite the sheets covering them up to their waste, it was very clear as to what was happening underneath.

"Santana." Brittany couldn't stop it slipping from her mouth.

Both girls on the bed turned to look at the door. Santana's eyes grew wide with panic and guilt. She really didn't know what to do. Part of her felt guilty when she saw the tear that fell down the dancers cheek, and she felt like she had been caught cheating and she held back the need to shout to her that it meant nothing.

The other part of her was angry. Angry that the tall blond was making her feel guilty when she rejected her, she chose some else. Santana thought she had every right to be sleeping with ... what was her name ... whatever, this random girl, she was allowed to it because she didn't belong to Brittany. This was her way of moving on and letting go of Brittany. But as she stared into blue eyes, she knew that was going to happen after one good fuck.

"Excuse me, we're kind of in the middle of something." Santana said like she really couldn't care less that the love of her life had just caught her in bed with someone else.

"Santana." Quinn warned. She knew Santana was bothered by the fact the Brittany had walked in on this, but she was also still hurt by the other blonds rejection and obviously saw this as a way of returning that hurt.

"Jesus, Quinn. Just get out and let us finish." The blond on the bed smirked down at Santana and returned to kissing her neck as Quinn forced Brittany out the door.

...

10 minuets later Santana walked downstairs with the blond, whose name she learnt was Olivia. They had 'finished', Santana wasn't about to go weak again because a certain blond had showed up. She had thrown on a red pair of panties and her cheerios hoodie to show her to the door.

Santana opened the door for her, feeling the eyes on her from the living room.

"We should do this again." Olivia said, giving Santana a small kiss. Santana let out a small smile, she genuinely did want to see her again, she was nice enough and Santana to move on, even if she didn't want to.

"Yeah, I'll call you."

Santana heard a small whisper from the living room, "Don't listen to her, she's just upset." She, of course knew it was Quinn. She felt the anger building up, how dare they? She's allowed to do this. Brittany chose someone else. Santana had to keep reminding herself of this so the guilt would go away. _She didn't choose you. She chose Artie. She doesn't want you. _

Glancing to the side, Santana leaned in and kissed Olivia again, bringing her hand to the back of her neck to deepen the kiss.

"Good." Olivia said as she pulled back and then she was out the door.

There was a an awkward pause, Santana didn't move an inch, she stayed staring at the door waiting for one of the others to say something. Brittany stared at Santana, a few tears falling down her cheeks, she knew that last kiss had been for her, to make her feel bad, and in all honesty, it broke her heart.

"What the hell, Santana?" Quinn didn't know what she was more annoyed about, the fact that she was doing all of this in front of Brittany and acting like she didn't care, or the fact that she had just caught Santana having sex in her house. "What the actual fuck? This is my house, you can't just bring random people back here and fuck them." Santana had turned towards them and was walking into the living room, but she kept her eyes on the floor, "And as for when walked in. Do you not feel guilty at all?"

Santana saw red, "Fuck you! Why the hell should I feel guilty? It's not like i'm cheating on anyone. If anything you should be glad it was girl. Trust me, it was nearly some random guy called nathan. At least this way, you know I'm accepting the fact that i'm g-gay." Santana couldn't help but stutter on the final word, she still wasn't use you to it. "You should be happy for me." She added factually.

"Happy for you? Brittany came over here because she broke up with Artie. She was coming here to tell you that she couldn't be with him because she loves you." Santana's eyes widened slightly, guilt suddenly becoming to much to hold back. But as quickly as it come it was gone.

"I'm still not seeing why I should feel guilty." She tried to keep the emotion out of her voice. Santana couldn't work out how she felt. She should be happy right? She should be fucking ecstatic. But she's not. There still the fact that Brittany chose Artie. Santana wasn't Brittany's first choice. Santana still loves Brittany, of course she does, probably always, but Brittany hurt her, thats something she can just forget.

"Jesus, Santana, stop being such a proud bitch. I thought this was over. I _thought _got over being Head Bitch."

"Fuck you, Fabray. How is it I'm the one that gets rejected, I'm the one that gets their heart broken, I'm the one that get abandoned by their parents and I'm still the bitch. The one everyone hates. The one everyone blames for everything!" Santana locked eyes with the blue ones she loved some very much, "You chose him," Her voice was soft but forceful, reminding Brittany, and her self, that this was the way things were, "You chose Artie. Do you have any idea how much it hurt me seeing you with him everyday, kissing, hugging him, holding his hand. Do you have any idea how much it killed me having both of you reminding me of something I can _never _have." Santana took a step back, realizing she had sad too much, again, "Fuck! Why do you too always make me say too much? Why can never keep my mouth shut? I have to get out of here."

"Santana, please." It was the first time Brittany had spoke, it came as whisper. "I'm sorry."

Santana opened her mouth to reply but closed it again, then turned and walked out the door without looking back.

Once she was out the house she looked left and then right, working out which way she should go. To the right she saw Olivia, still walking down the street.

"Hey!" She starting walking quickly towards the blonde girl, who heard her and turned around, "Wait up."

"Hi?" Olivia said when Santana had finally caught up with her.

"Hey. Urm ... I don't mean to sound forward, but I kinda need a place crash, I don't suppose you have a sofa I could borrow?" Santana looked at her nervously, but olivia just smiled and nodded.

"Course, but it's like a twenty minute walk and don't know if you've noticed, but your still not wearing any pants." Santana looked down too see she was clad in only her cheerios hoodie and a pair of panties.

"Shit ... ah, I don't suppose I could also borrow some pants."

"Sure. Oh there is kind of a party going at mine at the moment. I was going to head back there after I picked up some drinks from the bar, but then I ran into this really hot girl." She smirked at Santana, "But she turned me down, so I had to settle with you."

"Oh, Thanks."

"You're very welcome. Are you sure your going to be okay walking with no pants for twenty minutes."

"Yeah, it's fine."

Santana walked with Olivia through the streets of Lima, only one person on her mind. Brittany.

**so there you go ...**

**I hope you liked, please leave a review and tell what you think xx**


	10. Chapter 10

**hey guys, i am so so so sorry this has taken so long.**

**a) i kind of lost my inspiration for this story, cause i was in a happy place and this story isn't the happiest, and i suppose thats kind of a good thing, but also a bad thing because i didn't update.**

**b) i started uni in september so its been really hectic and i have had a load of work to do, so unfortunately updating this wasn't my top priority. **

**c) the lack of brittana and all this crap thats been happening in Glee this season is bringing me down. i'm really hating it this season. And then, we find out HeMo's pregnant, which is great and i'm super happy for her, but now all hope is lost for Heya. **

**but anyway, i have managed to find a bit of time to write some stuff. hope it's to your liking, i'm trying to bring happiness back because lets face it, we're getting none of it in Glee and it's doesn't look like we will be anytime soon. **

**...**

When they arrived at Olivia's house, the party was in full swing, no one was throwing up yet, but they looked pretty close. Olivia grabbed Santana's hand and pulled her threw the already open door, evidently they were just allowing any one who wanted to join the party to come right in.

It was a pretty big house, but there were too many people in it to be able to judge properly, Santana would guess there was nearly 100 people here. Most people were in the living room which had been turned into a kind of dance floor, the music playing loud enough that Santana could feel the bass pulsing in her ears. Looking around, the majority of people were older than her, not too much older, they probably go to college, Santana thought.

Santana was pulled through the crowded hallway, finding a lot guys (and a few girls) leering at her. _Ugh, why did you not put any pants on? _she thought. She lost Olivia's hand but could still see her blonde hair making its way through the mass of people, so continued to follow her.

Suddenly there was a arm in front of her, stopping her going any further. She followed the arm up until she was met with confident smirk. "Hey, do you want me to help you finish getting undressed?" He looked her up and down, his eyes lingering on her tanned legs. Now this was something she was good at. She did this everyday.

But she didn't get the chance to reject him with a paragraph of insults, because next thing she knew Olivia was standing between them. "Fuck off, Jason. You may be my brother but that doesn't mean I won't kick you out this party."

"Fine. Fine." he started to back away, smirk still plastered on his face, "I'm going. See you around." He winked at Santana before turning around and disappearing in to the crowd.

She was pulled through hall again until she was in a quiet room. The door was shut behind her which only left the muffled sounds of music and cheering.

"Sorry about my idiot brother. He seems to think every girl in America want a piece of him. Anyway, urm ... clothes are in there," Olivia pointed to some draws underneath a window the other side of the room, "Choose what you want, I don't mind. I'll get us some drinks." She walked towards the door.

"Thank you." Santana said, genuinely.

"No problem. Just come into the kitchen when your ready."

...

Santana shut the door behind her ten minutes later after finding a pair of denim shorts to wear, deciding to just keep her cheerios hoodie on. The house was still full of people, in fact it looked like even more people had turned up.

Santana walked down the hall looking into all the rooms in search of the kitchen. Eventually she found it. Drinks covered a big table in the middle, even more empty cups and bottles covered the floor. Santana walked over to the table, the floor sticky beneath her shoes from spilt drinks.

There was no sign of Olivia so she grabbed the first bottle she saw, she didn't care what was in it, _it's been a bad night. No. not night. It's been a bad fucking year. I deserve this, _Santana thought. She took a long swig of the bottle, that mixed with the alcohol still in her system from earlier that night made her feel slightly lightheaded.

After a lot more to drink Santana found her self amongst the crowd in the living room, Wedge between grinding bodies. Santana watched as the people around her danced and couldn't help but think of a tall blonde.

She quickly wiped those thoughts from her mind, finishing her drink. Then she felt to hands grab her waist and a body pushing against her back. She didn't know who it was, and frankly she didn't care. She turned around, stumbling slightly, Jason stood behind her, hands stull firmly on her waist.

"Fancy another drink."

...

Santana woke up to light bleeding through the blinds, the moment she moved the slightest little bit, she felt her head pounding. There was the sound of someone shuffling around the room to her right. Santana tried to open her eyes, but failed miserably, instead just letting out a groan at she moved her head towards the sound.

"Classy. Very classy." This time Santana managed to open her eyes, only slightly, but she could see Olivia, pulling open the wardrobe next to the bed.

"What are you talking about?" her voice was hoarse and her eyes flickered close again. Santana's hand lazily searched window cill of the window above the bed so she could shut the blinds. With a sigh, Olivia reached across the bed to do it for her, "I'm talking..." Olivia said as she walked back to the wardrobe, "...about the fact the you slept with my brother only a few hours after sleeping with me."

Santana let out a groan, "I didn't mean to. It had been a shit day. Actually, it's been a shit week, year in fact."

"All right, enough with the sob story. I get it, you're 18, you're basically still a kid and you've got your little problems. News flash, we've all got problems. Whats yours then? The little straight girls found her a boyfriend isn't satisfying her enough? Parents don't love you enough? Why is it that girls you age are so over dramatic? A small problem and the world is ending." Olivia fished out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and threw them on the bed next to Santana.

Santana kept quiet, she couldn't defend herself this time, unless she told Olivia that her problems were a tiny bit worse than that. The truth was, it wasn't that her parent didn't love her enough, it was that they didn't lover her at all, no one did.

"Whatever." Santana grabbed the clothes and went to the bathroom to get dressed.

"There's going to be another party tonight," Olivia shouted through the door, "Kelly's, she was here last night, but you probably wouldn't have seen her, considering you were fucking my brother."

"Is that all you do?" Santana decided to ignore that last comment, "Have parties?"

"Pretty much."

"Wow, college students that have parties every night, not stereotypical at all."

...

Santana had been gone nearly a week, and the Glee club were only just starting to realize the seriousness of the situation. Obviously, Quinn, Brittany and Mr Schue understood, but the rest of them saw it as Santana being her usual bitchy, attention seeking self, (which wasn't her usual self at all).

"I want to know whats going on?" Puck asked at the beginning of rehearsals before Mr Schue had a chance to say anything.

"What do mean, Puck?" Will questioned.

"I'm with Puck." Rachel spoke up, "Santana may have tortured over the years, but she's part of this family, she matters to us, all of us."

"You guys have certainly changed your tune." Quinn stood up from her seat at the back next to Brittany, who hadn't properly smiled since Santana left, "Last week you told me not to feel sorry for her, you all assumed this was just Santana begging for attention."

"Look, I'm sorry, okay." Puck looked genuinely serious, and he was, he was concerned for Santana. "It's just, I care about her, and she had changed so much since last year, yeah she still made the odd few comments about Rachel's height and Finn's man boobs, but she was different, better. And then suddenly she goes back to being Head bitch and it pissed me off. But I know that's not how she really is. So just tell us whats going on?"

"Santana has some stuff she's dealing with. It's not up to us to tell you. If she wants to she will."

"Is it because she's gay?" Puck asked after a long silence.

Everyone stared at Puck wide eyed. "Wh- how do you know that?" And now everyone was staring at Brittany, she hadn't really talked much since Santana had disappeared again.

"We've had sex, I _know_. No straight girl would look that uncomfortable when getting on this." Puck pointed to himself, then looking around he noticed most of the Glee club looked like they wanted to hit him.

"You knew and you still had sex with her." Quinn said with utter disgust.

"Hold up." Mercedes interrupted before Puck could make things worse for himself, "Santana's gay?"

"You didn't know?" Kurt said from the front where he was sitting next to rachel.

"You have amazing gay-dar, Kurt. I don't think the rest of us noticed."

"Okay," Finn still seemed slightly confused, "So she's gay, thats cool, but that doesn't explain why she's disappeared or why she was being a bitch last week."

"Oh your so naive." Kurt said to himself, but the other still heard.

"I don't thi-" Quinn was interrupted as Brittany stood up from her chair and moved to the front of the room and towards the door.

"Her parents threw her out when she told them. We didn't know at first, but then Mr. Schue found her and she was living with Quinn but we had an argument and she ran off." Brittany didn't show any emotion in her voice.

Brittany had gone over everything that had happened over the past week again and again, trying to figure our what she could have done. She knows what she could've done. Should've done. She should've left Artie straight away and been with Santana, and been there for her when she had been kicked out, and been there for Santana when she was at the hospital. Brittany realized that she should've talked to Santana about all of this months ago, maybe that way none of this would've happened. If she just forced Santana to sit down and talk to her about her feelings. Brittany knew she was the only one that managed to get past Santana's walls, but she also knew there were still a few that she had yet penetrated.

Brittany wished she had told Santana the truth that day, when Santana finally told her how she felt. Because the was, she didn't break up with Artie because she was scared. Her and Santana had been doing this, whatever it was, for years now and she had given Santana every opportunity to tell her how she felt, but she refused. Then the moment she finds someone else, Santana gets jealous. Brittany couldn't help that think that maybe it was just because she sleeping with Artie and not her anymore, that as soon as she left Artie for Santana, things would go back to how they were before.

"Brittany, you ca-" Quinn was about to tell Brittany that she really shouldn't have said anything, but once again was interrupted.

"I can tell them if I want to. You're all talking like you know her, maybe if you knew she's just like this because she sad and scared you would be nicer."

And with that Brittany left, a few tears threatening to escape.

...

That night Puck walked towards a house, some friend of a friend was having a party. By the time he got there it was nearly 11:00 and most people were very drunk. He hunted the crowds for his friend until he spotted him hitting with some brunette, who was pretty out of it herself.

Puck saw Jason reached into his pocket and pull out of bag of pills, offering the girl one. Puck shook his head, at least he didn't have to drug girls to get them to sleep with him. But, the girl took one anyway, she was way past drunk and probably didn't realize what she doing.

"Puck!" Jason noticed him and beckoned him over. Puck made his way over, he saw the brunette couldn't even hold herself up, Jason was having to hold her.

Puck had been to plenty of party's and knew drugs were aways making their way round the crowds, he was stupid, this happened at party's. But, he couldn't help but feel like he should intervene with this girl. She's was evidently out of it, he face was buried in Jason shoulder to keep herself up right.

"What's up with your chick?"

"Well, Puck this is Santana. Hottest chick in the room, and she's mine so stay away." Jason turned her around and put his arm around her waist to hold her up.

"Santana?" Now that Puck could actually see her face, he could truly see how bad of a state she was in. "Dude. What the fuck have you done to her?"

Puck grabbed the sides of Santana's face so he could check how bad it was. "What have you given her, she's burning up." Puck was in total panic now, he could see how dilated her pupils were. "Seriously, Jason I need to know what you've given her."

"Puck. Puck. Puck. I'm totally fine. Honestly, I've never felt better." Santana rested her hand on Pucks shoulder in an attempt to reassure him, which really wasn't working, "Listen, Puck. Seriously, listen to that. Can you hear that music, it's so loud but -" Santana was cut off as Puck dragged her out into the front yard, phone already by his ear.

"_Puck? What the hell, do you realize what time it is?" _

"Quinn, I need your help, I don't know what to do." Puck was panicking as he struggled to keep Santana with him, she kept trying to get back inside saying something about needed to get back in because the people that hurt her are outside.

"_What's going on Puck? Where are you?" _

"It's Santana. I turned up and this party and she was here and Jason has made her take something and don't know what. And she burning up and her pupils are dilated and she won't shut up about the people outside that hurt her. I don't know what to do, you've got to help me." There was a long pause, "Quinn!"

"_Sorry. I don't- we should- shit. I don't know, Puck. I mean. if we take her to hospital she might get in trouble, but if we don't- Shit! ... Where are you?" _

"Like 5 minutes away from my house."

"_Okay take her to yours I'll be there as quick as I can." _before Puck could reply Quinn hung up.

He turned his attention back to the girl, with his arm still around her waist trying to hold her beck. "Okay, Santana, I need you to listen to me. I'm taking you back to my house."

"No!" Santana hit Pucks chest several times to try and get away. "I want to go back inside, the people in there don't hurt me. If I leave people will hurt me! Let me go!"

"Hey. Who at my house will hurt you? No one, okay. So the quicker I get you there, the quicker you can be away from the people that hurt you." Puck didn't know whether or not it was good idea to go along with it but decided it was the easiest way to get her to his house. Santana nodded her head slightly and started to walk towards the path. She took about 2 steps and would have fallen if Puck wasn't there. "Jesus." He said under his breath, "I really think it would be better if i carried you, okay?"

...

Puck was trying to get his door open, Santana still in his arms, when he heard a car pull up behind him.

"Puck!" Quinn shouted before he even had a chance to turn around. Quinn ran around the car and saw Santana in his arms, practically passed out.

"Can you get the door open?" Puck asked, handing Quinn his keys.

"Do you know what she took?"

Puck turned around again to see Holly holiday making her towards them. "You called a teacher?" he hissed.

"Well, she's not your normal teacher I thought she could help. And we know nothing about this sort of thing." Quinn got the door open and let puck go in first. He took Santana over to the sofa and laid her down on the sofa and walked to the kitchen where Quinn and Holly were.

"I don't know what it was. It was a pill, I saw that much, I tried to get Jason to tell me but ..." He trailed off.

"Okay. Don't worry guys, she's going to fine." Holly said as she walked in to the living room.

"Should we call Brittany?" Puck asked after a long silence.

"I don't know. It could make things so much better or so much worse, I just ... I don't know what to do anymore." Quinn felt a few tears fall down her cheeks. She hated seeing her best friend like this, Quinn couldn't help but want, only for a second, the old, bitchy, sarcastic, Santana back, the one who wasn't mean, the one who just made her laugh by calling her Tubbers or Finn, Frankenteen. She knows part of that is wrong because Santana has always been sad, but they still had fun.

She felt Puck's arm wrap around her shoulders, he pulled her into a hug and attempted to tell that it would be fine, eventually.

"She'll be okay." Holly came back into the kitchen, "I'm still not sure what she's taken but whatever it was, wasn't too bad, could've been much worse."

Both Puck and Quinn let out a sigh of relief. "Could've been worse." Quinn said to herself more than anyone else, trying to drum into her head that this isn't as bad as it could be, the way things are now, they could be worse. But as she thought back to what had happened she couldn't help but this the was bulshit. "Really? You think this could be worse? Have you missed everything that had happened this week? How could this be worse?"

"She's still here, we found her. Sweetie, I know things seem bad right now but it will get better. I'm not even going to pretend i know what Santana's going through, I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through, but what I do know is that Santana is a strong person and there is no way this will beat her." Holly pulled Quinn on for a hug, "You're allowed to find this hard, Quinn, she's your friend."

Quinn pulled back form the hug, "Thank you, Miss Holiday. I'm going to call Brittany."

"Wait, are you sure thats a good idea?" Puck spoke up from the corner of the kitchen.

"Honestly, I don't know, but Brittany has been look for Santana for days, I can't let her keep looking if I know she's here." Quinn walked out of the kitchen, already searching through her contacts for Brittany.

...

Twenty minutes later Puck was opening his door to a frantic blond, "Where is she?" Puck just pointed towards the living room and without another word the blond was gone.

Brittany knelt down next to where Santana lay in the sofa, stroking some the hair away from Santana's face. She never told anyone this, but part of her thought she would never see that beautiful face again. Brittany placed a kiss on Santana's forehead and sat on the floor making herself comfortable, she wasn't going to let the latina out of her sight again. Ever.

...

Brittany had been sitting there for nearly an hour when Quinn came in for the kitchen, the three of them had decided to give Brittany some time so they stayed out of the living room for a while.

"Hey, Britt, why don't you go home and get some sleep, she'll still be here in the morning."

Brittany knew Quinn wasn't even sure of that but just hoped Santana would still be there. "No, I'm okay thanks. I'll stay here."

Quinn just nodded and bent down to kiss the top of Brittany's head, "okay, just let us know if you need anything."

...

The sun had come up now and Brittany had moved so her back was leaning against sofa, holding on to the still sleeping girls hand like her life depending on it.

Quinn, Puck and Holly still sat in the kitchen, not much conversation had been exchanged, but they hadn't really noticed, they were all in their own heads, thinking of what they could to do, how they could help, or remembering how this use to be. they hadn't disturbed brittany, one of them would occasionally poke there head through the door to make sure they were okay.

It was coming for 9:30 when Brittany felt Santana stir on the couch. She's never moved so quickly, she was now sitting on the next to the latina's stomach, still holding on tightly to Santana's hand, watching as the brunette opened her eyes. Santana groaned and quickly shut them again, covering her eyes with her arm. Brittany help but let out a little chuckle, she has always found Santana with a hangover amusing, and slightly adorable.

"Britt?" Santana would recognize that laugh anywhere. She pulled her eyes open.

"Hey." Brittany breathed, tucking a strand of hair behind Santana's ear. "How are you feeling?"

"Like someone decided to use my head as a battering-ram." Brittany let out a small laugh again, Santana was always one for being overdramatic. There was a long pause as they looked over each others faces, both look for emotions, to try an determine what the other one was feeling.

"You've had everyone worried." Brittany kept hold of Santana's hand, not sure weather the brunette wanted her to let go or not, either way she wasn't going to.

"I'm sorry." Santana let out in a small whisper.

"Hey, don't be sorry, don't ever be sorry. I always worry about you. Always have. Always will." Santana squeezed Brittany's hand. "Hey you remember that time we went grocery shopping with your mom the day before you eighth birthday?" Brittany wanted to keep Santana smiling at her for as long as possible, remembering it wouldn't be long before they had to talk about serious stuff. "We were shopping for the party food, and you ran off to find the batman party hats. I tried to follow you, but you mom got a hold of my hand and said to stay with her so I wouldn't get lost and we turned to go down the aisle you had disappeared down. But you weren't there. We searched the shop for ages until your mum decided to go to costumer services and they made an announcement. You came skipping up to the desk with a huge smile on your face, batman party hats in your hand, then there was me, holding on to your moms hand crying my eyes out because i was worried i would never see you again."

Santana let out a breathy laugh, "yeah I remember. I really wanted those party hats."

Brittany laughed as well, placing a hand on Santana's cheek, wiping away the small tear forming in the corner of Santana's eye. She leant forward and kissed the latina's forehead, Santana's eyes closed and she released a sigh. "I will always worry about you." The blond whispered against her forehead.

Brittany pulled back, keeping her hand on Santana's cheek, "We have to talk now, okay?" She said gently, and Santana reluctantly nodded.

"I know."

Santana sat up and they both moved so they we sitting side by side on the sofa, keeping their fingers entwined.

"I need to tell you the truth, I didn't stay with Artie because I didn't want to hurt, well that a little bit as well, but also because it was safe ..."

While Brittany told Santana why she did what she did, the three that had been forgotten listened in the kitchen.

"I think we should get Santana to see someone." Holly spoke up after what felt like hours of silence between the three of them.

"Someone like a psychiatrist? She's not crazy." Puck knew Santana needed help, but thought that was a little too much.

"Miss holiday is right Puck. She isn't crazy but this is beyond us. It doesn't sound like what's going on in there is bad, if anything it might help but, she'll still need to talk to someone."

...

"So you didn't think i meant it when i said I loved you, you thought i was just jealous?" Brittany had explained what was going through her mind that day, but Santana was still confused.

"No, not at all. I knew you meant it, I had known for a long time, I just ... This has been confusing for me, this whole relationship if you can call it that, and i was scared, and I didn't want things to be the way they were." tears had stated falling down Brittany's cheeks and she couldn't look Santana in the eye while she was trying to tell her this, "I didn't want things to go back to when we would sleep together and in the morning you'd be gone. I didn't want to go back to you kissing me at party's and claiming it was just to get attention and then going to have sex with some random guy. I know you found it hard to accept who you were, and I completely understand that i really do, but it hurt when you did those things, all I needed was for you tell me how you felt and I would've waited for you forever, because I do love you, Santana. Always have. Always will."

Brittany finally looked up at Santana, seeing tears falling down her cheeks as well, Santana brought her hand up to her cheek, wiping away some of the tears. "I'm so sorry, Brittany."

"What did i say? Stop saying sorry. I thought I had you whipped?" Brittany said, trying to lighten the mood and she knew it worked when Santana let out her beautiful laugh.

"Always have. Always will." Brittany laughed as well, bring a hand to the back of Santana's neck and pulling their foreheads together. "But I'm still going to say it. I am sorry. I wasn't thinking about what i was putting you though, i was just scared, not just of accepting who i was, but i was scared you wouldn't love me back. I was selfish."

"You're allowed to be selfish Santana, and I forgive you, not that i think you need to be forgiven, because, like i said you need to stop apologizing." Browns eyes stared into blue for a while before Brittany spoke up again, "Now, if you would let me, I would really like to kiss you."

"Please do." Santana's lips curled up at the sides as she tried to hide a goofy grin.

Brittany didn't didn't hesitate for a second before connecting lips. it was soft and, in Santana's personal opinion, the best kiss ever. Every other time they had kissed she had been trying so hard to keep feelings out of it, but this was the first time she had allowed herself to just feel everything. Brittany trailed her tongue softly over Santana's bottom lip and Santana immediately opened her mouth and they fought for dominance. Brittany smiled into the kiss as she won and her tongue was allowed to explore Santana's mouth once again. Santana felt Brittany smile against her lips and and couldn't help but smile as well.

Neither were sure how much time had passed before they were pulled out the world where it was just the two of them by the clearing of a throat.

"Sooooo ..." Puck dragged out as he watched them from the doorway, "I just wanted to check you two were okay, and wondered if you wanted any breakfast?"

"Yeah sure, what you got?" Brittany said as she got up from the sofa, pulling Santana up with her.

**...**

**So things are looking up, there will be no more super big drama. i need happy brittana right now. hope you liked it. i will NOT leave it as long as i did before, i should have time over the next few weeks, and if i don't i only hve 5 more weeks of uni, so i will have time then, but i will try and have it done before then. again i'm sorry it took so long. x**


End file.
